When All That's Left is Stillness
by Random1377
Summary: A story from Rei's point of view. Complete. Original ending reposted due to multiple requests.
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: Studio Gainax owns the rights to all characters and concepts for Neon Genesis Evangelion. This story is not authorized by Studio Gainax, and will be removed from the web should they request it.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 1

I wake to silence, and contain my rage, shoving it deep down inside me the way the Commander taught me to, so long ago. The construction that normally fills my apartment is – for once – quiet, making it easier to find the stillness I seek. Glancing at my calendar, I realize that it is a holiday, accounting for the workers uncharacteristic absence. They will be allowed a half day off. I will not.

The rage that has been wearing at the perimeter of my senses is strong today, and I still do not understand its origins. It seems that I have been angry at something or someone for as long as I can remember, but I know this is not true. It has been less than five months since I first found myself awaking with my hands clenched into fists and sweat seeping from every pore on my body.

Wiping the sweat from my face with the corner of my top sheet, I slide out of bed. I am due at NERV, and it will not be acceptable to be late. Stripping out of my nightclothes, I step into my shower, taking time to ensure that my body is clean. There will be sync tests today. I do not wish to shower at headquarters.

Rinsing my hair, I find myself recalling the afternoon that Ikari brought my new identification badge to me. The only man (besides the commander) to see me naked, the only man to ever touch my body, I find my thoughts going back to him with greater and greater frequency. Like my rage, my continuing fixation on the Third Child is a mystery. I attempted to speak to the Commander about it once, but he immediately dismissed the topic and recommended that I avoid the Third unless interaction with him was required.

It was not an order, but for some reason, it seemed almost more compelling – as if the Commander feared for my safety.

Strange.

Now clean, I make my way back into the bedroom section of my apartment, discarding my towel along the way. From my drawers, I take out panties, a bra, and socks, putting them on one by one. My thoughts stray once more, this time to the concept of undergarments. I understand their requirement in our society, yet for reasons unknown, they have always felt unnatural somehow, as if my donning them, I am hiding something about my identity. They are a shield, a mask, a contrivance to prevent people from seeing who I really am.

And who am I?

I still do not know.

From my small closet, I take out a clean shirt and school jumper, trying to clear my mind of these useless thoughts, but my efforts are in vain. So much of who I am and why I do what I do is shrouded in darkness and confusion. Why? Why is it that my memories only stretch back seven years? Why am I interested in Ikari, when he is nothing more than another pilot? Why is it that when I see Doctor Akagi, I can almost feel her hands wrapped around my throat?

Useless questions with no answers.

I'm going to be late.

I leave my apartment unlocked and start walking towards the train station. Ikari expressed some concern about the fact that my door remains open all the time, but honestly it is of no matter. There is nothing worth stealing in my apartment, and as for my physical wellbeing, I hold it in low regard.

After all, I can always be replaced.

The train ride is uneventful. It always is. People do not wish to make eye contact with me, so I am largely ignored by the other riders, leaving me to my own thoughts. Of course, my thoughts are tangled and complicated today, so I brush them aside and concentrate on listening to the sounds and conversations of the other riders, a pastime I find mildly interesting.

By the time I reach the stop for NERV, I have overheard five salarymen making excuses for why they will be late, six gossiping teenagers discussing fashion and sex, and one young man being broken up with by cell phone. I feel slightly sorry for the last. How would it be to have someone to be intimate with, and then have that promise of intimacy ripped from you by something as impersonal as a digital reproduction of your loved one's voice?

The man is crying as I step off the train.

My unhappiness increases.

Approaching the main gates to NERV, I am hailed by one of the EVA technicians – an overly jovial man of about forty-five. I do not know his name. I doubt he is married.

"Hey, Miss Ayanami!"

"Hello."

"Sync tests today, huh?"

"Yes."

"Do your best, then! I know I will!"

"…yes."

"Umm, see you later, then."

"Goodbye."

He hurries off, unnerved – as most people are – by my nature. Others, schoolmates mostly, have told me that I should try to be friendlier. The class representative especially used to go far out of her way to try to be my friend and offer me what I'm sure, to her, was invaluable advice. I believe that it was after the initial activation experiment with Unit 00 that she realized I was not interested in her friendship.

Some may call this cruel, but it truly is for the best, for both of us. Her friendship is not in any way related to my wellbeing or duties, and is therefore superfluous. Conversely, by spending time with me she only increases her chances of being with me when an angel attacks, with all probability of being further from the safety of a shelter.

Yes, the idea of her friendship is appealing, on some levels, but logic dictates that it is not possible.

I make my way into the depths of NERV, trying to decide if I want to eat breakfast this morning. It has been two hours since I woke, and I am starting to feel hungry, but the sync tests will most likely last for an hour at least, so if I am going to eat, I must do it beforehand. Otherwise, I might as well wait until lunch.

On impulse, I turn from the corridor leading to the locker rooms and head towards the cafeteria, intending to purchase something I can take with me. Upon arriving, however, I find myself face to face with Ikari. He stares at me for a moment, clearly surprised to see me, and I take the opportunity to discretely study his face, presenting myself as if I am waiting for him to move out of my way.

Why is it, I wonder silently, that his face is familiar to me? I am not so naïve that I cannot recognize the stirring of attraction when I feel it, but what is unclear to me is this feeling of comfort – as if we have known each other far longer than we really have. Since the fifth angel, and his rescue of me from my entry plug, I have become more and more aware of his features, and the more aware I become, the more my curiosity grows.

He breaks eye contact, his cheeks flushing slightly as he speaks.

"H-hello, Ayanami."

"Hello."

"Shouldn't you be umm, changing?"

"I am hungry."

"Oh, right, heh, it… this is the cafeteria, huh?"

"Yes, it is."

"Umm… I just got a couple energy bars."

"I see."

"…do you want one?"

I look down at the handful of bars. It would save me time to take one and avoid the line in the cafeteria – a place that seems perpetually busy, due to the large number of NERV staff members – but would it imply anything? I have always been very careful not to give the impression of interest to any men. It would be inconvenient to have to explain that I am not 'available' for that kind of relationship.

Surprise washes over me as Ikari, apparently tired of waiting for a reply, gently presses one of his energy bars into my hand and steps around me, murmuring that I can throw it away if I do not want to eat it. Somehow – I do not know how – I have offended him.

I follow him towards the locker rooms, keeping a respectful distance to avoid upsetting him further, and consider the snack in my hand. This should not be so confusing. He gave it to me, and told me clearly that I should dispose of it, if I do not want it. That means that he would not eat it in either event, correct? Then why purchase it? Did he buy it with the express purpose of giving it to me?

As we reach the locker rooms, I realize that I'm over thinking, and that I should acknowledge his generosity somehow. Before I can speak, however, Ikari steps into the men's locker room and disappears.

He does not look back.

With the energy bar still in my hand, I enter the locker room, finding it particularly desolate today. Suddenly, I feel very, very tired, and I lean back against the door, covering my face with my hands.

I am not happy.

The thought echoes in my mind, over and over. I am not happy. How long have I known this? Days? Weeks? Months? My whole life? I suppose it has never occurred to me to spend time thinking about it. How sad. I have spent so much of my life focusing on being obedient, and honing my mind and body to better utilize EVA. It is an awesome responsibility I bear, the Commander has made that very clear, and I bear it willingly – unflinchingly – with the understanding that each breath of LCL I draw could easily be my last.

Pulling my hands from my face, I find myself contemplating something horrible – something desperate. Something so unspeakable that it actually gives me a chill.

What if, somehow… no.

I push away from the wall, walking deliberately to my locker and setting Ikari's energy bar down inside. I carefully remove my clothes and hang them in the locker, pulling my plugsuit on and methodically crushing the rebellious thought ricocheting around in my mind.

It is preposterous – unthinkable! Moreover, it is unnecessary, and therefore wasteful to even contemplate.

But as I start to swing the locker closed, I hesitate, my eyes lingering on the unopened energy bar within. My hand, surely guided by someone else's will, reaches in and tears the wrapper – just a little… but enough that it is clearly no longer sealed.

Like my thoughts.

Like my wants.

Like my needs.

Just a small tear, yet as I close the locker, I understand that it will be there when I get back. Without a backward glance, I tuck my half-formed ideas back down inside my mind. But I know – like the energy bar – they will be there later.

And they will not be contained forever.

Something is starting.

I am starting something.

For the first time in my life, I am acting without direction.

God in Heaven, watch over me… I am acting without direction.

Continued, maybe…

Author's notes: I felt like writing something from Rei's POV. Not sure if I'm happy with how it came out, so I don't know if I should continue or not.

No pre-reader was used on this one.

Feedback is always welcome at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com. And I still hate quikedit!


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 2

Slower than necessary, I walk towards the pribnow box. My thoughts are still moving faster than normal, as is my heart, but I am used to containing myself. I have had years to perfect it, and an excellent teacher. I am greeted by the usual group of people as I enter the testing area – Doctor Akagi, Miss Ibuki, Major Katsuragi, others I do not care to mention. I acknowledge their calls with a nod and glance towards my destination.

Ikari is there, looking as if he has done something wrong, and the Second Child is standing next to him, discussing something I cannot quite hear. I take a moment to study them, finding myself in a state of mild amazement at how easy it seems for them to talk to one another.

They do not seem concerned with anything past what they are talking about. There is no hint on their faces that they hold any fear or unease about what the future may hold, or how they might handle the next angel, or whether or not the human race is teetering on the brink of extinction.

For them – the Second, especially – all that matters is the present.

Should I be envious of this? I'm not sure. I know that I would like to speak as freely as they do, but what if the cost of that freedom is ignorance or disregard for the future? How can I be carefree when there is so much in the world to care about?

Compelled by my curiosity, more than the fact that I am required to be there, I start towards them, trying to focus my ears on their conversation.

"…n't believe you're still having trouble with that!"

"Well, it's hard."

"I gave you an example, didn't I??"

"That's… yeah, but-"

"But nothing – you got an A on the last paper, is the information just leaking out of your head, or what?"

"…I don't know."

"God, you're so whiny, I – oh look… Wondergirl."

The Second rolls her eyes, folding her arms under her breasts and turning her back on me as she continues her discussion with Ikari. Ikari glances into my eyes, but looks away quickly, seeming embarrassed that he dared to look at me. I watch him, keeping my eyes on his face until he looks up again and attempting to read his expression.

His eyes shoot away once more, but before they do, his lips seem to come up, though only slightly. It is not the playful, teasing smile that people such as Mister Kaji always seem to wear – the one that hints that life is simply a game, and somehow they have found a way to circumvent the rules. Nor is it the smile of a predator, waiting only until his victim's defenses are down to reveal his true nature and strike. No, Ikari's smile is one of confusion. It is the look of someone who is certain that the glance being cast his way is misdirected, or part of some joke at his expense.

Finally looking away from him, I realize that I am somewhat jealous of the various smiles he is able to exhibit.

I only have one smile. And it is false.

"Rei."

"Yes?"

"You're late."

"Yes."

"This is the first time…"

"Yes."

Doctor Akagi sighs, turning her attention back to Major Katsuragi and murmuring something under her breath. I know it is not a compliment. Doctor Akagi does not like me. I am not entirely sure what I have done to earn her hatred, but when she looks at me, she is unable – or perhaps unwilling – to hide her disgust. Her eyes always remind me of the half-remembered dream I have had off and on since I was a child.

I am in Central Dogma, though it is empty, barren – incomplete. I am speaking with a woman that reminds me of Doctor Akagi, though her hair is dark and her eyes are even crueler. We talk. She offers to help me find my way out. I say… something, I do not remember what, but it is a message the Commander directed me to deliver. My next memory is of suffocation, hands around my throat, another person with red eyes, and darkness.

The most disturbing aspect of this dream is the fact that if I close my eyes, I can easily recall the details of it, regardless of how long it has been since I last dreamt it.

The similarity between this dream and actual memories makes me uneasy.

I bring my attention to the present as Doctor Akagi outlines the goals for our synchronization tests, specifically what thresholds we will be attempting, feedback levels, specific thoughts she would like us to have, and estimated duration. We all confirm our understanding and head towards the test plugs, familiar by now with this routine. The Second starts to complain that the tests we run are useless, but I tune her out, focusing on Ikari.

In – discretely – looking him up and down, I decide that I definitely like what I see, but at the same time, I can understand why someone like the Second would not. He is not a very athletic person, his shoulders are perpetually slumped forward as if in defeat, and he seems almost physically unable to maintain eye contact for more than ten to fifteen seconds, traits that most women, I'm sure, would find unappealing.

However, I am not like most of my classmates. Furthermore, my current assessment of him is not based solely on physical attraction. What I am looking for, it seems, is impossible to define, but I am confident that I will understand it when I get closer to reaching it.

"Ikari."

"Hmm?"

"…ganbatte."

"Th-thanks."

His face grows red as he hurriedly climbs into his test plug, smacking his forehead on the edge of the doorframe and groaning in pain as he closes the door behind him. The Second, I notice, is staring at me. She does not look pleased, but as her opinion of me – already nearly as low as Doctor Akagi's – is not much of a concern for me, I ignore her.

I am too busy trying to understand why I spoke.

I am too busy wondering why I am suddenly afraid that my actions were premature and ill-conceived.

And I am too busy isolating the warm feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is similar to the sensation I had when Ikari instructed me to smile after our defeat of the fifth angel – but it is stronger, and more focused. My contemplation is interrupted as the Second Child addresses me.

"Like something you see, Wondergirl?"

"I do not understand what you mean."

"Yes you do, First… you were scheming on Shinji."

"Scheming…?"

"God, you're so dense. Scheming, digging, lusting, Hell, you were almost drooling!"

"Mmm."

"Don't you 'mmm' me! You like Shinji – admit it!"

"…yes."

This answer, clearly, was not what the Second was expecting. She sputters for a moment, opening and closing her mouth and tries to come up with something to say, but before she can speak, Doctor Akagi's voice comes over the speakers, telling us to hurry up and get into the plugs so she can start the test.

Climbing in, it occurs to me that I may have been mistaken about the Second's qualifications for companionship. Perhaps it is due to the close proximity in which they live, but upon reflection it seems that Pilot Souryu goes out of her way to be close to Ikari. Certainly, she spends much of her time berating or insulting him, but if there was no attraction, why wait for him after sync tests, or walk with him to school? If she truly held him in as much contempt as she portrays, would she not want to be as far away from his as possible?

Settling into my seat, I close my eyes. I am over-thinking again. Breathing evenly, I force my body to relax, seeking out the stillness that has served me so well over the years, and within moments, thoughts of the Second, and Ikari, and anything outside of EVA fade into dim background noise. There will be time enough after the synchronization tests to try to understand why I initiated a conversation with Ikari, and why the Second's tastes should be my concern.

Halfway through the test, my painstakingly constructed stillness shatters momentarily, broken by the sharp, nearly accusing idea that I spoke to Ikari out of the basest of all human desires – lust.

Taking several deep breaths, I bring my pulse rate back under control and discard this notion out of hand. This is so unlike me – I am not prone to fits of agitation, or plagued by bouts of second-guessing and sophomoric mooning over boys. I am a trained pilot, and I know that my purpose is to serve the Commander by operating EVA.

There is no need to continue dwelling on something that I cannot, and should not have.

Correct?

"Rei."

"Yes?"

"Your synch score is down by three points."

"A three point variation is-"

"Since starting!"

Twenty-five minutes into the test… and my score is down three points.

"I will increase it."

"Make sure that you do."

Suppressing my emotions has been a part of my life for so long that it is almost second nature. I do as I say I will, bringing my sync scores back up to the required level by blocking out everything else… but Doctor Akagi noticed that there was an issue. I will be lectured for this.

It was careless of me not to use my full concentration on blocking out thoughts of Ikari and the Second. Carelessness is not in my normal routine.

But done is done, as the Commander once told me, and there is nothing left for me to do but adapt to the change and alter my plan. Not that I truly had a plan to begin with, nor did I even expect to be contemplating this situation just yet. When I left my locker, I had planned on nothing further than observation and analysis. Now, due to my impulsive, single-word interaction with Ikari – and its repercussions – I find myself steered in a new direction.

And my deviation has been observed.

When the sync test is complete, Doctor Akagi asks me to stay behind, sparing me any immediate confrontation with the Second, should she still care. Doctor Akagi leaves me standing behind her as she enters her notes on the test in silence. I believe this is an attempt to make me uncomfortable, but I simply focus my attention on the far side of the wall until the time comes when she is ready to speak to me.

That time, however, never comes.

After ten minutes have passed, she turns her chair to face me. She is wearing her glasses today. They always remind me of the Commander. Without a word, she picks up a piece of paper and hands it to me, turning away from me before my fingers have even finished closing on it.

I glance at the paper.

_Pilot Ayanami: your test scores for today are unacceptable. Even a slight loss of concentration during a combat situation could cost the lives of your teammates. Don't let it happen again._

Looking up, I prepare to defend my lack of focus to the doctor, but she is already typing the remaining notes into her computer, ignoring my presence entirely.

I am not worth her time.

Though she cannot see me, I give her a polite bow before taking my leave, making my way back to the locker room with the admonishment held firmly in my hands. It will serve as a reminder, I decide – a reminder that no matter what I do, there will always be someone there to point out my faults and shortcomings, and that there is always a cost for trying to find a way to seek happiness.

The locker room is empty when I arrive, so I am spared any comments from the Second Child as I set the paper in my locker and undress to take a shower. As I put my hand on my locker door, however, the energy bar Ikari gave me catches my eye. Slowly, I lift it up, examining it for a moment before peeling one corner of the foil wrapper back and bringing it to my mouth.

Hesitantly, I take a small bite of the corner… and I have to close my eyes for fear of being swept away by the sudden rush of emotion this simple act brings. It is dry, chalky, and entirely too sweet, but in slowly chewing it, I realize that these are all characteristics I have never noticed before. I have always treated food as a necessity – something to be consumed as quickly as possible while on the way to my next task or obligation.

I have eaten hundreds of energy bars just like this one in my lifetime, but I have never once paused to take note of how they taste.

Carefully, I fold the wrapper back over the rest of the bar, telling myself that I will eat the rest on the train – when I have more time to focus on the taste, and when I have more time to answer a few more of those increasingly nagging questions bubbling up like crude oil from the deepest, most carefully suppressed corners of my mind.

How long have I been still?

How long have I been silent?

…how long have I been dead?

But more important than any of these others was how much of my life can I, should I, and AM I going to change?

Thankfully, I do have at least one idea for where I might be able to start.

Continued…

Authors notes: writing this story is… tiring. I'm trying really hard to keep Rei – and everyone else, but Rei especially – in character, and I don't feel I'm doing a very good job.

Hope you folks are liking it, though.

No pre-reader was used for this chapter.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 3

The energy bar, I find, is not as exciting as I had initially thought. Perhaps it is due to the other thoughts running through my mind, but as I wait on the train platform, taking small bites to try to recapture that rush of feelings I experienced in the locker room, it tastes bland and uninteresting. I eat it anyway, as I have not had any other sustenance today, and throw the wrapper in the garbage less than two minutes before the train arrives.

Since it is a weekend, and still relatively early in the day, the train is very crowded, and I am forced to stand. I always try to keep a respectable distance between myself and other riders, partly out of courtesy, partly out of a dislike of being touched by those I don't know, but on days like this I often find myself pressed tightly against someone I have never laid eyes on before in my life.

Today it is a young woman dressed in an expensive looking skirt and blouse. She is not much taller than me, but her green eyes are attentive and serious, and her face is very carefully – almost professionally – made up. I am afforded the opportunity to discover all of this by the fact that her face is less than a foot from my own… and she is watching me.

I keep averting my eyes, but every time I look back, she is there, as if waiting for me to address her, so I finally settle my eyes on hers and wait for her to say what is on her mind. It will not be the first time I have had another woman approach me. It does not happen very often, but just as there are those that find my appearances unsettling, there are those who find me alluring or exotic, and this occasionally leads to attempts to have me accompany them somewhere – usually a karaoke bar, or, for the bolder ones, a hotel in the red-light district.

The woman takes a breath, and I brace myself, mentally preparing a polite, but firm, no.

"Hello."

"Hello."

"My name is Ryoko, what's yours?"

"Rei."

"Well, Rei, I don't suppose you would be interested in joining me for a drink? I have a business prop-"

"No."

"Oh, but you haven't even heard me out yet! Listen, I'm not trying to pick you up, if that's what you're worried about."

This woman is very astute, I think, glancing around for an open space I might be able to slip into.

"You're very pretty."

"Mmm."

"I mean that. You have the kind of face that guys go nuts for."

"Mmm."

"God, you're not going to make this easy for me, are you? Ok, I'm a talent scout for Goichi modeling agency in Tokyo-2, and I'm in town looking for new talent. Please have a drink with me and hear what I have to say."

"This is my stop."

"Excuse me?"

"This is my stop."

"Oh, damn, umm… ok, here – take my card, ok? Call me any time. Really. I'd love to have you working for us, you really are lovely."

I allow her to press a small card into my hand as I step past her and make my way to the door. Stepping out onto the platform, I glance back to where she is standing. Her eyes catch mine and she raises her hand to her face, touching her thumb to her ear as her smallest finger brushes her bottom lip. She mouths the words, 'call me!' a moment before the doors slide closed, cutting her off from view.

Looking down at the card, I find myself frowning. Me? Lovely?

The idea is nearly laughable. I know that I am attractive, by most men's standards, but lovely just seems so unfitting a word. Lovely would be Major Katsuragi in full uniform. Lovely would be Doctor Akagi with her glasses on. Lovely would be the Second Child with her head thrown back as she laughs at something her friend said.

I know what lovely is, and it is not me.

Discarding the woman's comments as lunacy, I wait for the next train. Normally, this IS my stop, so I was not entirely dishonest with the woman, but today I have somewhere else I would like to go – an address I have long since memorized, but never planned to visit of my own volition – and I require my thoughts to be clear and focused when I arrive. Otherwise, I might not be able to gain more understanding of this strange feeling that is welling up inside me, this alien, confusing unrest that has put me into a state of uncertainty the likes of which I have never felt before.

When the train arrives, I find it pleasingly empty, allowing me a seat of my own as I continue pondering where I am going and what I might find when I get there. It takes me less than ten minutes to force my mind back around to the question of WHY I am going in the first place. This, of all the other questions in my mind, is the hardest to approach. What is motivating me? Why today, when every other day of my life I have been comfortable with my routine? The question of what I might hope to gain is strong in my mind, but gain is not as important as understanding.

Unfortunately, the train reaches the stop I am looking for before I can reach any definitive conclusion.

Glancing up at the sky, I notice that the clouds are getting darker and more ominous. It will rain before the day is out, I am sure of it. Resigning myself to the fact that I will be wet by the time I return home, I make my way down the street, searching for the apartment building that is my destination. I find it easily, riding the elevator to the floor I need and approaching the door with a slightly uneasy feeling of anticipation.

Before I can stop myself or rethink my decision, I ring the doorbell, and moments later, the person I am looking for opens the door.

"Oh, Ayanami!!"

"Hello."

"Er, come in, come in. Wow, I didn't expect to see you!"

"Mmm."

"No one else is home right now, so we've got the place all to ourselves."

"Mmm."

"…you ARE going to speak once you get inside, right?"

"Yes."

"Alright, then come on in before my dad pops up and tells me he's not paying to air condition the whole neighborhood."

Horaki gives me a small bow and gestures for me to come into her house. I step inside, glancing around at the tidy little apartment as she closes the door and locks it, motioning for me to follow her into the kitchen. As I move through the cramped space, I am amazed by how much is packed into it – and by how orderly everything is. Every surface is covered with papers and file folders in neat stacks, and each article has been carefully tagged with a colored sticker of some sort. Green, red, and violet seem to be the predominant colors, though without reading the papers, I have no way of knowing what they symbolize.

Catching my glance, Horaki explains that her father is a low-ranking accounting executive for NERV, and each of the color tags represents a division or department that he assists with. She complains that he works too much for the salary that he gets, but she is smiling fondly as she does it, making it fairly clear that she adores him in spite of his workaholic nature.

Being that organized – or having a family member that is – is something I cannot relate to, so I simply nod.

I take a seat in the kitchen, accepting her offer for tea, and place my hands flat on the table, looking around with mild curiosity. The kitchen, I decide, reminds me of Major Katsuragi's – when Ikari is in it. I have been to Major Katsuragi's apartment on several occasions, and I have noticed that there is a distinct difference in the way her kitchen feels when Ikari is cooking than when Major Katsuragi is. As when Ikari is cooking, Horaki's kitchen is well-organized and clean, giving the illusion that she would be just as prepared to produce a four course meal as pour hot water over tea leaves.

When the tea is finished, she sets a cup in front of me and offers me sugar and honey, both of which I decline, and takes a seat across the table from me, making small talk about her family and school work as the tea cools. Finally, I can see that her curiosity is too much for her and lifting her teacup to her lips, she begins to speak.

"So, umm… why are you here?"

"You invited me."

"Well, yeah, like, 3 months ago – but you always just blew me off. I didn't even think you still had my address."

"I memorized it."

"You did? Why?"

"Because you invited me over."

I can see that she is growing frustrated, but I do not know how to correct it. Dealing with others has never been my strong suit, and considering that I myself am not entirely clear on what I am hoping to gain by coming here, the idea of explaining myself to her seems rather like a lot to ask.

However, Horaki was not made class representative for nothing, and after a moment of careful contemplation, she takes a sip of her tea and looks me in the eyes.

"Did you come here to ask me something, Ayanami?"

"Yes."

"I thought that might be it."

"Did you?"

"Uh huh. It was the only thing I could think of, actually. I mean, I've… tried really hard to be your friend, but you've never seemed interested, so I figured you must need something now, and since you don't have anyone else to turn to, you came to me. Am I right?"

"…yes."

"Hmm."

I feel my face growing slightly red. In retrospect, and in light of her matter-of-fact assessment, Horaki would have every right to be upset with me. She has tried for some time to open her hand to me, and at every turn, I have brushed it aside. And now, since I could not think of anyone else to speak to, I have come to her with the hopes of having her help me make a change in my life.

What change? I am still not sure, entirely… but the longer I think about it, the more solid the idea becomes. Soon, I realize, it may be actionable. But until that time, further analysis and contemplation is required. A person such as myself cannot change overnight. I am not even sure that I can change at all, but I know for a fact that it will not happen all at once. It will take time, and assistance.

And right now, the only person that I can think would even consider helping me is the one sitting across the table from me, staring at me over the rim of her cup.

She clears her throat.

"It must be hard."

"Hmm?"

"Coming here. I've never seen you talk to anyone that didn't talk to you first, or accept anyone's invitation to hang out or go karaoke or anything… but you hopped on a train to come all the way over here. Was it hard, Ayanami?"

"…yes."

"But you still came."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"…I don't know."

"Hmm…"

I am drowning. Conversation is like a foreign sea, and every word I choose somehow seems to be a small stone slipped casually into my shoe, dragging me further and further down. Horaki's eyes are sharp – sharper than I ever would have guessed – and her gaze is unwavering as she sets her teacup down and folds her arms across her chest, leaning back against her chair.

Matching her stare seems suddenly impossible. Normally, I can look anyone in the eyes without hesitation, but today I have come to her house and approached her for advice with no regard for how offensive such a request might seem. I have not even asked what I came to ask, and I have already stumbled into admitting that the only reason I am here is to seek something from her, when every time she asked me for my friendship, I ignored her altogether.

Regarding my own, untouched cup, I find myself filled with shame. I take a breath, feeling that I should break the silence that has fallen between us, but no words come to my lips. What can I say? I have acted inconsiderately – almost callously. Why should I have any hope of earning her advice?

As I look up from my cup, however, I find Horaki staring at me with a small smile on her face.

"Answer me one question."

"Alright."

"After you get whatever it is you came here for… will that be it?"

"I don't… understand."

"What I'm asking is – after you ask me whatever you came to ask, are you just going to leave, or are we going to be friends now?"

"You… wish to be friends?"

"Heh… Ayanami, you kill me. Of course I want to be friends. I've invited you to go hang out or come over and study like, a hundred times. You think I do that for the hell of it?"

"No, but I do not understand why you would want to."

"Do you have to understand? I like you, Ayanami, that's all. I've always thought you were really cool, and I know you're really smart because I see everyone's grades. And, I don't know, I kinda wanted to get to know you – to understand why you never let anyone near you. It's kind of selfish of me, I guess, but I just… God, I'm gonna shut up now."

"Y-you… you like me…?"

No one has ever said that to me before. I am entirely unprepared for how it makes me feel. I know my face is burning as Horaki shrugs and nods, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot make myself say anything but thank you.

It is only the second time I have said it in my life.

Horaki smiles, taking a sip of her tea, and says 'You're welcome.'

Silence falls once more as I try to get a grip on my feelings. I had only come here with the intention of asking a few simple questions about relationships, and mere moments ago I was sure that Horaki was going to ask me to leave. But now, I am uncomfortably flushed, and I do not quite know what to do with my hands.

I think, perhaps… I have just made a friend.

It is my fist time.

"So…"

"Yes?"

"Why ARE you here, Ayanami? What did you want to ask me?"

"Yes, I…"

"Go on – don't sweat it, ok? Just relax a little bit, I'm not mad at you."

"Very well. I was simply wondering if you had experience with dating?"

"Dating? Man, hit a sore spot why don't you!"

"I am sor-"

"Just kidding – really, Ayanami, loosen up a bit! Dating, huh? No, sadly, I haven't had the pleasure just yet. My dad thinks I'm too young, but I'm 14! He married mom when they were both 17 – he's such a hypocrite. I mean, I'd LIKE to go out with a guy sometime before I graduate high school, you know? I just… I'm kind of scared to just walk up and ask."

"I see."

"Is there someone you like, Ayanami?"

"Yes, there is."

"Are you going to ask him out?"

"…I am not sure."

"It isn't S-Suzuhara, is it…?"

"No."

"Oh, I thought… never mind, I'll just… your tea'll get cold, why don't you drink it?"

She gulps the rest of her tea and excuses herself to get more, leaving me wondering what I just missed. I dismiss her odd behavior for the moment, choosing instead to concentrate on what she had said about just walking up and asking someone out. To use Major Katsuragi's terminology – there was no way in hell I would ever do that.

Changing one's life is one thing.

Entirely restructuring it is another.

The question of why I am trying to change resurfaces, making me suddenly very tired. It is repetitive, irritating, and frustrating to have the same thought over and over again. I doubt very much that the Second ever allows doubts or uncertainties to weigh her down. She, I am sure, would just ask Ikari out without any question in her mind of why she was doing it, and for a very brief moment… I hate her for that.

When Hikari retakes her seat, however, I find that the truth is that it is myself that I dislike. The hatred I wake with every day returns, catching me off guard with its intensity and direction. Certainly not all of this rage could be self-targeted, could it? No, it was too rich – too potent and abiding to be entirely inward.

Wasn't it?

Our conversation resumes.

"So it's not Suzhara, huh? Is it anyone I know?"

"Yes."

"Gonna tell me who?"

"I would… rather not."

"Eh, fair enough, I guess. So that was your only question? Have I been on a date?"

"No. I would also like to ask how you know that you are ready to date."

"Hmm, well that's kind of a tough one. I don't know, I just – KNOW, I guess. I mean, whenever I see… the guy I like, I just want to be with him. I want to hold his hand and talk to him and… and kiss him – this is so embarrassing, I can't believe I'm telling you this!"

"So if you want to be with… that person, how would you ask him? You said that you will not ask him directly, so how would you approach it?"

"You know, I think that's the longest sentence I've ever heard out of you. Kidding! I'm just kidding, don't get all blank on me – it's creepy! Umm… how would I approach it? Well, that's something I can't really help you with."

"Why?"

"Duh – because I haven't done it! If I knew how, I would have done it by now."

"Oh."

"So… can I ask YOU something?"

"Yes."

"…can we be friends?"

Friends.

Hikari is offering me her hand – literally and figuratively – in friendship. I've come here to ask for help, an idea almost as farfetched as me crying, and received some of the answers I was looking for coupled with an outstretched hand. I can tell by the look in her eye that she will not be terribly hurt if I say no. In fact, it seems as if she is expecting me to say no, leaving her hand hanging over the table and excusing myself, now that I have the information I came for.

What embarrasses me to admit is that on most days, I would have done just that.

Of course, on most days I would not be here at all.

Slowly, I take her hand in mine, fully expecting some type of jolt of energy to flow up my arm – some mystical force sealing my life to hers – but there is nothing at all, not even a hint of static as our hands meet and shake over a table with two small teacups sitting on it. I pull my hand back as Hikari gives me a happy smile and asks if I want to see her room.

Following her, it occurs to me that if nothing ever comes of my interest in Ikari, I have already accomplished more in one day than I have in the past seven years.

I have acted on my own.

I have spoken to someone without having them speak to me first.

I have made a friend.

I have changed.

Even if I take not so much as a single step beyond this… I have changed.

Continued…

Authors notes: "Study, study, life is study." Not sure why, but this line from Goldenboy kept running through my mind as I tried to think of anything I wanted to note in this chapter. Clearly, since that's all I could think of, I don't have anything important to add. Such is life, I suppose.

No pre-reader was used for this chapter.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com


	4. Part 4

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 4

I spend another twenty minutes with Hikari before I tell her that I need to leave. She is surprised by the way I phrase it – I can see it in her face – but she hides it very well, rising off of her bed (where we have been talking… or rather, where she has been talking and I have been listening) and leading me to the front door. There she hesitates, then asks me if I would like to come over for dinner.

As politely as I know how, I decline her invitation. I am already uncomfortable with the time I have spent getting to know her, as it is so far removed from anything I have done before, and I do not know if I can handle such an intimate setting as dinner with her family with less than 24 hours experience in extended interaction. She is persistent, however, and proposes several other days, her smile widening until she is nearly laughing as I finally agree that Thursday might work.

Unfortunately, I do not think she believes that I really have as many obligations as I have outlined.

I allow her to believe as she will, trying my best not to be rude in bidding her goodbye. She is my friend now – a relationship I have not explored before – so I will need to treat her differently than anyone else in my life.

How strange. This is how I had always imagined a romantic relationship, yet there are people that I interact with every day that have two, three, sometimes as many as ten friends, each with their own unique dynamic. Leaving her waving as I walk down her apartment building's corridor, I know that I could never do that. The idea of one friend alone is uncomfortable and awkward. Two would be stressful. Three would be maddening.

Ten would be outright impossible.

Reaching the street, I glance back over my shoulder, regarding her apartment building for a moment before continuing on my way. It is grey, square, and unextraordinary… but it is where my Friend lives, so it must now hold a special place in my thoughts.

Mustn't it?

I turn away, blinking as a droplet of rain splashes on my cheek. Friendship is more difficult than I had anticipated. I have been friends with Hikari for less than forty minutes, and already I am unsure of how to behave in her presence, or even how I should look at her apartment building. It is very confusing.

Closing my eyes, I take a breath, once again forcing my feelings and thoughts back down before they can assert themselves too strongly. When I open them, I am once again myself. Calm. Detached. Secure. Aloof. Everything Commander Ikari has trained me to be. Starting down the street, and ignoring the light drizzle that has begun to fall, I reason that if I can pilot EVA I can find a way to maintain one relationship.

Walking towards the train station, I feel a shiver work through me at the chill in the air. It is not cold, since Japan has not experienced true cold since before Second Impact, but it is much cooler than I am used to, and the rain is falling steadily, beading on my forearms like small bits of glass before merging and running down to drip from my fingertips.

A blue car passes in the rain, and for a moment, I think it looks familiar. Discarding the thought, I brush a strand of hair out of my eyes and gaze down the street, gauging the distance between myself and the entrance to the train station. At a guess, I estimate five more minutes of walking before I am under the shelter, and I will undoubtedly be soaked by then.

At the next intersection, however, the same blue car that passed by pulls up in the crosswalk, blocking my way. The passenger window rolls down and a familiar voice calls to me.

"Hey, little girl… you want some candy?"

"Hello, Major Katsuragi."

"Hey, Rei, what's up? Kinda far from home, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Ahh, your sparkling conversational abilities take my breath away. Hop in, Rei, I'll give you a ride."

"There is a train station two blocks from here."

"Really? A train station?? Wow!! And here I thought we were in the sticks. That was a joke, Rei, don't stare at me like that. I know there's a train station two blocks from here, I just drove past it, but I KIND of thought you MIGHT like riding in a comfortable seat instead of having your butt grabbed by some drunk while a bunch of teens giggle about how hot Saiyuki Kashino is."

It seems Major Katsuragi has ridden the train before.

Stepping off the curb, I open her car's passenger side door and climb in, feeling a welcome burst of warm air wash over me as I settle into the seat. Major Katsuragi tells me to buckle up, which I manage to do mere seconds before she moves the gearshift into first and pushes the gas.

Pushing, I suppose, would be an understatement, as the speed with which we take off forces me back into my seat.

I do not hold much fear of dying. As I have stated before, I am replaceable. Riding with Major Katsuragi, though, fills me with the certainty that I WILL be replaced – and soon. In spite of the fact that it is now raining very hard, she seems intent on treating the roads as if they were freshly laid. With one hand on the wheel, and the other holding a paper cup close enough to her mouth for her to sip through its straw, she drives as if multiple angels were currently en route and she is the only one capable of raising the alarm.

Rounding a corner, I steal a glance at the speedometer.

I am positive that it reads 105 KMPH.

"Want some?"

"No."

"You sure? It's chocolate/strawberry. It's really good."

"No, Major."

"…has anyone ever told you that you're no fun?"

"Yes."

"Just checking."

We turn another corner, splashing a man that looks disturbingly like sub-commander Fuyutsuki, and Major Katsuragi slows down, murmuring something about a police officer that spends time in this area waiting for speeders. From her tone, I feel confident that she has personal experience with the officer's tactics, but she seems to hold no ill-will towards the man and actually seems almost hopeful that she might have a chance to encounter him again, as if it is all just a game to her.

And perhaps it is, I cannot say. I really don't know much about her, in all honesty, and I have only spent time with her away from NERV on two separate occasions – both with Ikari and the Second – so I have never had a need to interact with her one-on-one before.

This thought must have occurred to Major Katsuragi as well, because she slows the car still further (almost dipping below the speed limit) and starts up a conversation.

"So what were you doing this far from home?"

"Visiting someone."

"Wow, really??"

"Yes."

"Anyone I know?"

"Hikari Horaki."

"Oh that's right, she does live around here, doesn't she… hmm… So, you and her are hanging out now, huh?"

"Yes."

"That's cool."

"Mm."

"You sure you don't want some of my shake? It's really good."

"Yes, Major, I am sure."

"Call me Misato, ok?"

"Major, I-"

"Misato."

"…Misato."

"Better. Geez, you'd think I asked you to poison the Commander. You don't really have to call me Misato, Rei, I just wanted to hear you say it once."

"Why?"

"Why? Well, it's kind of stupid… but we've known each other three years, and in all that time, you've never called me anything but Captain, then Major. I just wanted to know what it would sound like. Hey, now that I think about it – you've never used ANYONE'S first name. Well, you did call Shinji by his name once, but that's it."

"I… did?"

"Uh huh – during the last angel fight."

"I believe you are misremembering."

"No, I'm not. I played it back after the fight – a couple times – because I couldn't believe it. When the angel started to take Unit 01 in, you called out for him… called him kun and everything. Pretty unforgettable, really."

I turn away, staring out into the driving rain as I contemplate this observation. Did I really call Ikari 'Shinji-kun'? Aloud? I cannot even imagine doing such a thing, but Major Katsuragi's face is entirely serious – friendly, and amused, but serious – so I do not doubt that she is telling the truth.

And she is right. I do not use people's first names.

With Hikari, I will start. She is my friend, now. But with other people, I simply do not feel the connection necessary to use such a familiar greeting. For as long as I can remember, the idea of using a first name has seemed almost out of reach, alien, something only done by those in the world that are 'normal,' a title I have never associated with myself.

I know no others with blue hair. I know no others with red eyes. I know no others whose sole purpose in life is…

I do not like thinking about my purpose.

But names have always been talismanic to me, and even hearing my own name from others brings out a slight feeling of discomfort, as if I should reciprocate, or somehow force myself to grow closer to them. Which is why the news (for I truly do not recall the event) that I used Ikari's first name comes as such a surprise to me.

Without effort, I imagine Shinji's face, focusing on the slightly warm feelings his features stir inside me. Attraction? Yes. Caring? Undoubtedly. Desire? Perhaps. …love? I would not know the feeling if I experienced it. I would not mind being in love with Ikari, I suppose, but as I have nothing to base my opinion on, I can only theorize that it would be pleasant. For all I know, love is uncomfortable, or actively painful. The only experience I have with the emotion is what I have read in books or seen on television.

And I do not watch much television.

Again, I find myself contemplating action without having a justifiable reason behind it. It is frightening, really, to try to be something you have never been. Half of my mind is telling me that I should take the next few days to contemplate what I have done, to absorb, ponder, and observe the reactions and consequences of my actions.

The other half suggests that now that I have begun moving, I should not stop, lest I should grow stagnant or lose what I have gained.

But… what have I gained, other than friendship?

…and should that not be enough?

"I heard you talking to Shinji this morning."

"Mm."

"…and Asuka."

"I see."

"You like Shinji, huh?"

"…yes."

"You gonna go for it?"

"I…"

"Heh… I think that's the first time I've seen you blush, Rei."

"Mm."

"I dunno… I think maybe you should give it a shot."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. You guys look cute together."

"I see."

"Do you…?"

I turn to look at her, but she is staring out the front windshield of the car.

She is not smiling.

Turning back to look out of my window, I contemplate her words, and I start to appreciate how much has been said… and how much more was unsaid. How, for example, did Major Katsuragi know where Hikari lived? In talking to her, Hikari had said that she and Asuka had discussed who would get a car first, as they always took the train everywhere, and vowed to stay friends long after they were old enough to drive.

Beyond that bit of information, the seriousness of the Major's expression concerns me, as does the fact that she is now driving well below the posted speed limit – as if what is on her mind is distracting her so much that she does not have the concentration to drive at her normal speed.

"Where do you see yourself in a year, Rei?"

"Here."

"Here in my car? Oh, don't answer that, it was just a joke and you know it! …so you see yourself in Tokyo-3 a year from now?"

"Yes."

"And in two years?"

"Here."

"Three?"

"Here."

"Five?"

"Here."

"Ten?"

"He-"

"Ok, so, you plan to live the rest of your life right here, got it, but what do you plan to do after the angels stop coming?"

"…you believe that they will?"

Perhaps this is not the most tactful way to end the conversation, I admit, but it definitely succeeds. Major Katsuragi frowns, signaling a right turn as she drops her empty shake cup into the car's lone cup-holder, and does not look at me for several minutes. I believe that I have inadvertently touched on a very deep fear, which was not my intention at all. I only wanted for her to stop asking me questions about the future.

Questions about the future always make me uneasy.

What does it matter what I will be doing in ten years? Is it not difficult enough to understand today and tomorrow without concerning oneself with what the future may or may not hold? Being who I am, I know what the future holds – for myself, and everyone else – and I do not enjoy dwelling on it.

"…I think you should ask Shinji out."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I think it would be good… for both of you."

"Mm."

"You don't think so?"

"I… do not know."

"Should I have him ask you out instead?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"…it is not your place."

"Damn – you sound just like the Commander when you say stuff like that. Alright, I won't stick my nose in your business anymore. But think about it… neither of you is, God, how can I say this? Neither of you is really that good with people, so maybe together you could-"

"This is my building."

"What? Oh crap."

Major Katsuragi steps on the breaks and the car skids to a halt twenty-five feet past the front door to my apartment building. She stares out into the night, her face devoid of any emotion as her fingers drum idly on the steering wheel. Three times, her mouth opens, but nothing comes out, and she closes it every time.

We sit in uncomfortable silence for some time – how long, I do not now – simply gazing into the darkness. The windshield wipers beat a rhythmic thump, thump, against the edges of the glass, creating an almost soporific metronome effect. This, coupled with the pouring rain outside, soon has my body relaxed and my mind calm. The quiet between us goes on, but for me, it has grown more comfortable. Major Katsuragi, it seems, can appreciate silence, because her fingers finally slow and stop their restless movement, and after another minute or two, she sighs deeply and leans back in her seat, resting her neck on the headrest.

She rolls her head to the side, glancing at me for a long, thoughtful moment, and I am sure that she is going to speak to me, to tell me that she truly believes Shinji and I would make a 'cute' couple.

That is what adults do, isn't it? Treat youth as ignorance and impose their own belief sets on anyone they might be able to influence.

Eventually, through a smile, she does speak… and her words hit me hard. Unable to speak, I simply nod, fumbling for the door's handle and flinging it open to swiftly climb out into the pouring rain. I hurry towards my building, barely acknowledging her call of goodnight, and make my way up to my apartment to seek the solace of isolation.

I need to think.

I need to focus.

I need to understand why her words affect me the way they do.

In my apartment, I strip off my clothes and lie naked on my bed, covering my eyes with one arm and hearing her final comment echo over and over in my ears as the first gnawing pangs of hunger start to twist at my stomach, reminding me that I have eaten nothing more substantial than tea since the energy bar Shinji gave me earlier in the morning.

"Well, no matter what you do, I'll still like ya. You might be a little cold sometimes, but I've always kind of thought you look like you want to smile when no one's looking… and I know I'd like to see that some time. Don't ever let anyone push you, Rei – just be yourself. A lot more people than you think want to see you happy… why not surprise everyone and try it on for size? Just think about it, huh? Now go on, get going before I just take you home with me."

Continued…

Author's notes: Rei's comment about it not being Misato's place to get involved in her affairs seemed like the most in character way of saying 'mind your own damn business.' Some may argue that Rei would never say something like this, but in all honesty, Gendou is the only one she is ever shown to be absolutely unquestioningly loyal to, so there's no reason to think that she would sit back and let someone else meddle in her love life.

…you know, such as it is.

No pre-reader was used in this chapter.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


	5. Part 5

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 5

I spend the next three days in stillness, repressing every thought – every emotion – forcing them deep down into the darkest places within me so that I am not overwhelmed by them. I had no idea that change could be so confusing, or so painful. During these three days, I seek the cool, dispassionate comfort of blank stares and avoided contemplation, taking refuge in the relative silence of my apartment, where the familiar sounds of construction help drown out any intrusive thought.

Now that it is Wednesday, I feel that I might be able to actually make it in to school. Rising from my bed, I feel rusty, unused – as if I have not moved for decades. My muscles, while not exactly aching, are sluggish and heavy, a noticeable side effect of my extended seclusion, but my mind seems clearer today, a sure sign that I will be able maintain my composure around others.

I stretch my arms up over my head, trying to relieve the mild aching in them, and carefully suppress a memory of Major Katsuagi's recommendation before the idea can take hold. Try to act happy. As if it is that easy.

Honestly, the woman baffles me sometimes.

Letting my arms fall to my sides, I start towards the shower. I come up short, however, blinking in surprise as a soft knock sounds at my door. I know it cannot be the Commander – he would not knock, for one thing, and he has given me carte blanch to take time from school as I see fit, to ensure that my focus is not disrupted my extraneous interactions.

As the person knocks again, I find myself wondering who might come to see me. Ikari has been to my apartment twice – once to give me my identification, once to drop off some printouts – but as I am current on my schoolwork and NERV papers, he has no reason to come by, and I cannot think of anyone that has reason to come to my apartment.

This thought makes me inexplicably sad.

With a small start, I realize that I have been standing motionless for over a minute, trying to guess at who might be at the door when all I have to do is cross over to it and pull it open. This, I do, and find myself face to face with the person that should have come to mind first and foremost.

"Rei! Hi! I, umm… hi."

"Hello, Hikari."

"I umm, you haven't been at school."

"I am aware of that."

"Are you… alright?"

"Yes."

"Oh, good. I was worried."

"…I see."

"Rei…?"

"Yes?"

"…you're naked."

Frowning faintly, I glance down. My brow clears as I find that I do still have my panties on. For a moment, I thought that I might have slipped them off to take a shower and forgotten somehow. I am not normally absentminded, so the idea that I might have taken off an article of clothing without remembering is somewhat alarming.

I point out that I am not naked, and when I raise my head, I find Hikari covering her mouth with one hand, trying not to laugh. Confused, I ask what is amusing her. Stifling a giggle, she tells me that the line between topless and nude is pretty slim – especially for answering the door – and that, if I want, she can come in for a moment while I get ready, then accompany me to school… because really, either state of undress would probably be frowned up by the teachers.

Slightly put off by her sense of humor, I nod and allow her in.

She walks into my apartment with an expression of undisguised curiosity, seeming to want to take in every aspect of my living space in her short trip from the door to my bed. Needless to say, it does not take her quite that long.

"Wow… this place is small."

"Yes."

"Have you ever thought of getting a bigger place?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I do not need more than this."

"Well, no, but Asuka said they give you guys a pretty good cost of living allowance as pilots right?"

"Correct."

"So why not find somewhere you can stretch out, you know? Some people don't do well in a small space. Maybe you'd be happier if you had some room to move around in."

"I… prefer enclosed spaces."

"…oh, well, then you're probably ok here. Sorry if I'm being nosy, I just… sorry…"

She trails off awkwardly… and I do not know how to continue the conversation. After several moments of watching her pluck nervously at her uniform, I excuse myself to go shower, knowing I should try to assure her that she has done nothing wrong, but having no idea of how to accomplish it.

After a brief hesitation, I bring clean underclothes into the bathroom with me, remembering the faint blush on Hikari's face at seeing me undressed.

I have never spent much time with showering. I understand its importance, so I do not skip it, but it is not something I linger on. In less than five minutes, I have washed myself and pulled my under-things on, hoping that Hikari will not be uncomfortable with that. Drying my hair as I come out of the bathroom, I find Hikari standing next to my bedside table, staring intently at something in her hand.

"What are you looking at?"

"Oh! Oh, Rei! You scared me! I was just… sorry, I saw this on the table, and I was just curious."

"Mm."

"Are you, umm…"

"Am I what?"

"Are you going to do it?"

"Do what?"

"Model."

"No."

"Why not? You're really pretty."

I do not know how to reply to this, so I simply begin getting dressed. Honestly, I cannot remember keeping the business card in Hikari's hands. I was certain that I threw it away when I got home on Saturday night, but clearly that is not the case. What concerns me more than the presence of the card – and the implication that keeping it was a subconscious directive rather than a simple oversight – is Hikari's interest.

She seems fascinated by the idea, turning the card over and over in her hands with a thoughtful expression on her face.

And she said I was 'Pretty.'

That word again.

Why is it that other people insist on seeing things in me that I cannot? Pulling my shirt on and starting to button it, I find myself wondering if the fault lies in me, or them. The 'scout' (if that was her true occupation) said I had the kind of face men liked to look at – but it is her job to say that, is it not? And Hikari is my friend, so she would feel obligated to compliment me.

Correct?

Glancing down, my hands freeze. I have buttoned my shirt incorrectly, leaving one hole at the top and one button at the bottom. This is unacceptable. To doubt is one thing – to allow it to affect you is another. So far, in my life, I have never hesitated, never second guessed, and now I am starting to show signs of disquiet.

Outward signs. Visible signs. Signs that others can easily pick up and comment on.

Taking a calming breath, I begin to unbutton my shirt, thankful that suppressing emotion is so easy for me. Otherwise I might have actually sighed with frustration.

I am peripherally aware of Hikari digging in her school bag as I pull my jumper on, but as she is not attempting to make conversation, I let the silence go unchecked, finding that it is actually rather pleasant to be in the presence of another sometimes. It is comfortable, I suppose, to know that there is someone with you, and that they like you enough to WANT to be there.

Unfamiliar, but comfortable.

Hikari takes a deep breath as I slip the straps of my jumper over my shoulders, and from the corner of my eye, I see her pulling something out of her school bag.

"Rei…?"

"Yes?"

"…can I take your picture?"

The silence that falls this time is not comfortable.

Slowly, I raise my eyes, finding her holding up a rather expensive looking camera, the tone of her voice hopeful and energetic. The business card, I notice, is trapped between her fingers and the body of the camera, crumpling slightly in her haste to pull the device out. In looking at the camera, I can tell that it is a professional level model, and from the scratches on the casing, it is clear that it has seen much use.

Vaguely, I think I can recall Hikari taking pictures of a few other students, but as I spend most of my time thinking of other things, I cannot recall how often this has taken place – surely not very more than twice, but that seems a low estimate, now that I am thinking about it.

Our gazes meet, and I can see the excitement in her eyes, glittering behind a carefully constructed mask of casual indifference. Unexpectedly, I wonder if she can see past my expression as well. The eyes are the windows to the soul, the saying goes, and I have always been rather adept at reading other's emotions, when I have cared what they think (which, I admit, is not that often), but in staring into her eyes, I am taken with the idea that maybe she can read my emotions as well.

I do not like the idea at all, and I avert my gaze, going to my dresser to retrieve a pair of socks as I answer her question.

"No."

"Aww, come on."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Just one shot – any pose you like."

"No."

"Why not?"

"We are going to be late."

"It'll only take a second."

"No."

"Why not??"

I leave her question unanswered this time, continuing to rummage in my drawer for a mate to the sock I have found.

My laundry is almost all dirty, I think, avoiding her question even in my mind; I will need to wash them later today. Avoidance… yes, that would be best in this case. Don't think about why I would not want a picture of myself taken. Don't think about why Hikari would want one in the first place. Don't think about why a talent scout would ask me to pose for her company after several minutes of cursory observation on a train.

Just don't think at all – it makes it so much easier if I don't think.

"I won't let anyone else see it if you don't want them too, but I really want to take your picture, Rei… ok? Hey, if you want, I can show you some of the others I've taken some time."

"No, thank y-"

"I have one of Ikari."

My hands freeze in their seemingly fruitless search for a second sock.

Ikari… I have been so careful to avoid thinking of that name over the last few days, and just by hearing it, I can practically taste that first bite of energy bar. I close my eyes as I try to force the thoughts away, but it is not working. All I can see behind my eyelids is his face.

How does she know? How does she know that his is the name that affects me? DOES she know, or was it simply an intuitive grasp at a name of someone I know – a shot in the dark to make me change my mind?

Slowly, I open my eyes and glance over my shoulder, trying to read her expression.

She smiles hesitantly, bringing her camera up to her face and closing one eye to peer through its viewfinder. Neither of us speak as she aims, and I know that I have every opportunity to turn away, just as she has every opportunity to snap off a continuous stream of profile shots and taking advantage of the physical space and friendship between us to simply take what she wants.

Instead, she simply waits until she knows I am not going to look away, and slowly depresses the shutter release.

Click.

Hikari's thumb moves up to the small lever on the left side of the camera's body, quickly pushing it several times, which produces a quiet ratcheting sound as the film inside advances to the next frame. She starts to lower it, glances at me over the top of the flash, and carefully brings it back up to eye-level.

"Turn around a little… let me see your face…"

Her voice is soft, friendly – not commanding in the least… but I still obey her, turning so that I am facing her straight on. She adjusts the focus minutely, biting her bottom lip in concentration as she takes a step back and covers the shutter release with her forefinger.

Click… click… click…

She lowers the camera halfway, quickly crossing the distance between us and reaching up towards my face.

"Can I…?"

Not knowing what to expect, I simply nod, trying to catch up with the oddly churning emotions that this experience is evoking. I am scared… thrilled… uncertain, and – I think – slightly excited by the steady click of the camera's shutter.

Hikari, it seems, is unaware of this… but that is not surprising – she seems far too caught up in what she is doing to notice me. Her face is flushed with color, and her lips are curled up in a happy smile as she gently brushes several strands of hair out of my face, arranging them carefully over my ears.

Her fingers brush my skin, and it sends shivers through me. She is so close to me now that I can smell the shampoo she uses – all apples and cinnamon – and nearly taste the mint-scented toothpaste she brushes her teeth with.

She leans closer, and I panic, recoiling back against the dresser and reaching up to grasp her hand.

"Don't…"

"Don't what…? Oh… oh God! No, Rei, I'm not… I just wanted to take your picture! I'm not… I wasn't-"

Hikari cuts herself off, blushing terribly as she takes a quick, stumbling step back. Her camera falls from her fingers as she realizes, with a jolt, exactly how close she was… and how it might be perceived. With a cry, she drops to her knees, banging them painfully on the hard floor as she tries to save her camera.

Click.

I move without thinking, reaching out a moment before it can hit the ground and accidentally triggering the shutter release as my fingers close around it. Hikari looks up at me, her eyes wide as I carefully set the camera in her outstretched hand. We stare into each other's eyes for a moment as the adrenaline generated by the near-miss slowly works out of our bodies.

Finally, Hikari pulls her gaze away, tucking the camera carefully back into her school bag before rising to her feet.

"You're… you're really fast…"

"It is… part of my training."

"Are Asuka and Shinji that fast?"

"I do not know, I have never asked how they train."

"Oh, umm… right, well – we should go, we're already late…"

"Yes."

"Hey, Rei?"

"Mm?"

"I… I wasn't, you know? I wasn't trying to… to do anything to you."

"Mm."

"Really! I just… I love taking pictures of beautiful things, and you're so pretty I just got caught up in… God, that sounds like an excuse, doesn't it? I'm sorry, Rei, I didn't mean it to look like… like that… I'm sorry."

"It is alright."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Ok… ok, I'm sorry, I just… yeah, I'm sorry…"

"Mm."

Turning back to the dresser, I push its contents around for another moment before I realize that I simply do not have anymore clean socks. Keeping my mind off of what just happened, I walk over to the small pile of dirty laundry in the corner and pick out a pair of socks with as little soil as possible. As I sit down to slip them on, I notice that Hikari is watching me closely, clearly still upset by the implied intimacy of her earlier actions.

Seeing my gaze, she quickly looks away, fidgeting with the strap of her school bag as she glances around my apartment.

How can I explain my reaction to her? I am sure that she thinks I am disgusted, but in all reality, I am not. My shock came from being touched in the first place, not from being touched by another girl. Honestly, gender roles have never concerned me much. Certainly, I am more attracted to boys than girls, but I have so little experience with intimacy of any kind that I am more open to the idea than most people.

Is it wrong to want physical contact so much that you are willing to allow it from anyone?

Too complicated… too complicated.

I shake my head, slipping my feet into my shoes and shouldering my bag as I head towards the door, forcing any further contemplation of hetero or homo sexuality far FAR into the recesses of my mind. I am brought up short, however, as Hikari's hand seizes mine. Glancing over my shoulder, I find her studying me anxiously, her face a perfect description of the word 'anguished.'

"Are… are we still friends…?"

"…yes."

"I'm sorry, I-"

"You have already said that."

"I know, but you looked so scared when I touched you I thought I should say it again."

"…scared?"

"Yeah – you looked like you thought I was going to… to just… you know, take advantage of you…"

"I see…"

S-so we're still friends…?"

"Yes."

Hikari sighs, her shoulders drooping with relief as she whispers, 'I'm sorry,' one last time.

She steps out of the apartment first, assuming that I am going to lock the door behind us, and shrugs, trying to loosen the visible tension from her muscles as we start off down the hallway. Reaching the elevator, I steal a quick look at my hand, frowning faintly as I try to recall how it felt to have it clasped by another.

I cannot deny it… I liked it.

I liked the feel of Hikari's fingertips on my face. I liked the feel of her hand covering mine. I liked the feel of her eyes sweeping over my body, studying me, examining me, appreciating me, and deeming me beautiful. Having someone touch and look at me was undeniably exciting, and as I look at my hand, I realize that I already miss having someone else's in it.

But everything about the pleasure I took in Hikari's touch is just slightly off.

…because Hikari is not the one I want to see me that way.

Stepping into the elevator, I find myself reassuring her once more that I am not offended and that we are still friends… even as I contemplate how, and if I should, take action to make myself more noticeable to the one I am thinking of.

Stillness is no longer acceptable.

Today, I move forward.

Continued…

Author's Notes: sorry, yuri fans, you'll have to look elsewhere. And no, there is not one shred of evidence in the series (or the manga, as far as I know) that Hikari is a shutterbug… I just thought it fit the story – and her character, really – so nicely that I slipped it in. Lastly – no, her interest in cameras will not progress into a Hikari/Kensuke relationship. Heavens, HEAVENS no…

No pre-reader is being used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


	6. Part 6

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 6

Hikari gets over her embarrassment fairly quickly, and by the time we reach the train platform, she has resumed her normal speech patterns, describing her family life in rather minute detail. Normally, this kind of conversation would be boring for me, but I listen attentively, finding it mildly interesting to learn of her sisters' hobbies and mannerisms.

Having no family of my own, I cannot relate, of course, but it is enlightening to watch Hikari speak. She is energetic and animated, gesturing extravagantly as she details the double-date her sister went on with the Second. Apparently, the Second found the experience dull and left early, which did not please Hikari's sister.

The more she speaks, though, the more I find that I have nothing to say. This is all beyond me. All of it.

Family. Friends. Dates. None of them hold any deeper meaning for me than the syllabic ring of the words.

Except, naturally, friends – and that is too new for me to even count myself experienced. It IS nice, though. I cannot describe it properly, but knowing that there is someone in the world that thinks of you fondly makes it somehow easier to breathe. Perhaps that is melodramatic, but the idea that Hikari wants nothing more than my companionship makes the world seem the tiniest bit brighter.

Suddenly, I find myself wondering if she will scream when she is Complemented.

She seems so happy and carefree now, but I know that she – like every human – is fundamentally isolated from those around her. Incomplete, separate, alone. Complementation will alleviate that burden, but the Commander has said it will be a difficult adaptation for some, particularly those who believe themselves to be complete already and cannot comprehend what is happening. He has also hinted that there might be some fear or even pain when the ego border is removed – a regrettable side effect, but necessary to ensure the perpetuation of the race.

Studying her smiling face, I find myself questioning my role in this project for the first time. I understand the fundamental truth behind the concept of Instrumentality, but I have never allowed myself to question the methodology or prerequisite requirement of all mankind to participate, regardless of their individual will.

With a small sigh, I lament the fact that there will be no choice given. Complementation will occur regardless of my opinion, and in the end, the entire species will benefit from our efforts and reach a state of oneness undreamed of in any age, living in such unity and contentment that they would sing the praises of those few that brought it into being…

…if they had individual voices with which to sing.

"Hey, are you ok? You look all serious – like, even more than usual!"

"I am… fine."

"Heh… you're a terrible liar, Rei. C'mon, you can tell me, I'm your friend, I want to help."

"There is nothing to help with."

"…was I right about it being Ikari?"

"Hmm?"

"Back there, in your apartment… when I said his name you totally froze up. That's what's bugging you, isn't it?"

"No…"

"You're lying again! I was right – you like Ikari, don't you? I kept trying to think who in our class you might like, and I thought it was Suzuhara, since you were talking to him up on the roof the other day, but it's Ikari, right?"

"…yes."

"HA!! You little sneak! All this time, I thought you never even noticed him looking at you, but you've been playing hard to get!"

"I… what?"

"Oh, don't even try it! You pretend to stare out the window all day, ignoring everything going on around you, but I'll bet you've noticed every time Ikari looked over his shoulder at you, haven't you? HA! I knew it – you're blushing! Way to go, Ayanami! You're even cooler than I thought!"

I stare down at my hands, completely unsure of how to reply to this accusation. Ikari? Looking at me?

No… I had not noticed.

This information triggers an uncomfortable reaction in the pit of my stomach. I start to feel the faintest bit nauseous as I imagine Ikari's eyes raking over my body while I am not paying attention. He rarely holds eye contact for more than a few seconds at a time, so the idea of him watching me surreptitiously seems almost laughable.

However, I am not laughing.

Unconsciously, I find myself glancing at Hikari's school bag. Within it, I know, is a bento made specifically for Suzuhara. She told me, as we were passing the Akitasha station, that it wasn't SPECIFICALLY for him – it was just a few leftovers she threw together, since he never brings a lunch.

How unfortunate that she is as bad at lying as I am. She clearly has feelings for him, and it strikes me as odd that she is so willing to ask me if I want to be with Ikari when she will not admit that she wants to be with Suzuhara.

As I ponder the idea of making Ikari a bento, I find myself regretting the fact that Hikari will not be able to present hers to Suzuhara today.

"Hey, umm…"

"Yes?"

"No, it's nothing."

"Ok."

"Er, wait, I mean… can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"When you were talking to Suzuhara the other day… did he umm… did he say…"

"Did he say what?"

"Did he say what's bothering him? He's been so down lately… did he tell you what's wrong?"

"…no."

"That was a pretty big pause, Rei…"

"Mm."

"There IS something wrong, isn't there…? Why won't you look at me? Come on, Rei, you know what's going on with him, don't you? Please tell me."

"I… cannot."

Of all the things to ask me about, why must she choose this?

Hikari looks down at her feet, clearly hurt, but there is nothing I can do to change that. To tell her what I know would be breaching both personal confidence and NERV security protocol, and while she is my friend, there are some lines I simply cannot cross.

The remainder of the ride to school is very quiet. Hikari does not immediately leave my side when we arrive at the station, but she avoids eye contact with me and does not try to make any further conversation. I feel very conflicted by this, because I WANT to tell her, since it would ease her fears to know exactly what is on Suzuhara's mind, but I know that doing so would violate several personal and professional confidences.

How complicated friendship is.

At the very least, I should let her know that Suzuhara will not be present today, shouldn't I? Do I not owe her at least that much consideration? If I do not tell her specifically WHY he will be absent, that would be acceptable, correct?

Before I can say anything on the matter, Hikari excuses herself, offering me a feeble smile as she tells me she needs to speak with our teacher about something before class. I am not sure that I believe this excuse, but considering her role as class representative, it is perfectly plausible.

Having never had a friend before, I find myself suddenly in danger of losing hold of the relationship, and I do not quite know what to do. Approaching our classroom, I slow my pace, bowing my head and trying to come to a decision. I cannot give her the full truth – that is out of the question – but if I do not at least tell her something, she may decide that I am not worth being friends with. Perhaps I will send her an instant message on our school terminals and simply let her know that Suzuhara will return tomorrow, upon which it should become fairly common knowledge where he was.

I know he will tell Ikari – they have been friends for weeks – and the Second boasted about her role since the day she arrived, so I am sure that Suzuhara will let everyone know what his new obligation is.

Feeling calmer now that I have reached a conclusion, I raise my head.

And come up short as I find the Second leaning against the wall next to our classroom door. She is staring straight ahead, with her arms folded over her chest and one foot braced against the wall behind her, and her expression is carefully blank… but I know she has seen me, since her lips slowly purse together and the lines around her eyes grow more pronounced.

I reach for the door, having absolutely no desire to speak with her, but before I can open it, she begins to talk, picking up our last conversation as if it has been three seconds since it was interrupted, rather than three days.

"You can't have him."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me, First. You can't have him."

"I do not understa-"

"The HELL you don't! Shinji lives with me, we're together every day – you don't have a chance."

"So you are… already intimate with him?"

"Y-you pervert! Of course I'm not inti- that's none of your business!"

"…I did not mean sexually."

"I don't care what you meant, it's none of your business."

"I was not aware that you care for him."

"What?! Who said I care for him??"

"But you-"

"Don't put words in my mouth! All I said was you can't have him – so why don't you go play with your EVA or something, you stupid doll."

There is so much anger radiating off of the Second that it feels as if I am standing in the middle of an open field on the hottest day of the year. Why? Why is she so enraged? My earlier conclusions about her interest in Ikari seem unfounded – especially in light of her dismissal of the idea that they are intimate – but why else would she be so upset by the idea of me being together with him?

She does not want me to have him… yet she makes no claim of her own. Does she truly hate me that much? What have I ever done to generate such ire? We have not known each other long enough, nor had enough interaction for me to have done something deliberately offensive, yet she is standing here, unwavering, and telling me that the one person I have openly admitted affection for is beyond my reach – simply because she deems it so.

Unacceptable.

With greater intensity than I can control, all of my pent up rage comes to the fore… and I find all of it directed at the girl in front of me.

"…no."

"Excuse me?"

"No. It is not for you to decide."

"HA! You really think you have a chance? HUH?! He doesn't want you, First – why would he? You're nothing. Just a stupid windup toy that does anything she's told. Why would you think Shinji would want someone as weak as you?? What do you think you could possibly offer him that I can't? And besides – I've already kissed him!"

My stomach clenches at this comment, and unconsciously, I shift my weight to the balls of my feet, sharply aware that the Second now has both heels planted on the floor, her shoulders tense as if ready for sudden movement.

I should have been prepared for her to use psychological warfare tactics, I really should have. I knew that she disliked me, I knew that she has been going out of her way to be near Ikari, and I knew that she has all the extensive military training that is required of all Evangelion pilots, so I should have been ready to defend myself against this type of attack.

Of course, I have had the same training.

"It is not for you to decide. Ikari can choose-"

"You can't even use his first name and you think he'll pick you over me?"

"You wish to be picked?"

"Shut up!"

This is a bad situation. The Second is now standing fully upright, and her hands are clenched at her sides as if she is ready to hit me at any time. I have said before that I am replaceable, and put no real value on my life or wellbeing… but I have also said that I have certain responsibilities and obligations I must fulfill, so I will not allow myself to be hurt if it is in any way avoidable.

Should this encounter turn physical, I will defend myself.

The Second takes a step to the right. I mirror by stepping left, refusing to give her a sightline advantage. I am peripherally aware that several students have stopped in the middle of the hall to watch us, but I do not take my attention away from the Second. I cannot afford to. She is no longer simply my associate.

Somehow, over the course of this conversation, we have become enemies, or at the very least, rivals.

"I don't like you."

"I realize that."

"I mean I really don't like you – at all."

"I see."

"Stay out of my way, First. You may be the Commander's little pet, but that won't save you from an ass kicking."

"…you would hurt me to keep Ikari for yourself."

For the first time since confronting me, her resolve falters. A shadow of doubt crosses her face and she wets her lips, glancing around at the small group of observers as if waking from a strange dream. As her eyes resettle on me, though, her expression hardens once more.

I am the focus of her anger, for whatever reason, and she is not to be swayed from her course.

Staring into her eyes, though, I get the distinct impression… that she is not all that sure why she is arguing with me. She has proclaimed her distaste for Ikari numerous times, yet the moment I express interest, she grows possessive and belligerent – as if I should know that she is attracted to him in spite of her poor attitude towards him.

The duality of this observation must be as confusing for her as it is for me, as she breaks eye contact and turns to face the classroom door, her voice so low that I almost do not hear it.

"Stay away from him, First."

"…I will not."

Without another word, she opens the door to the classroom and steps in, leaving me surrounded by stunned faces.

I try not to notice the amazed stares of the students all around me as I make my way towards the classroom door, but it is impossible.

"Did you see that?"

"Souryu and Ayanami!"

"Thought they were gonna fight."

"So badass!"

"Five bucks on Souryu!"

"Ganbatte, Ayanami-san!!"

Today was to be a day of forward motion… but I rather had meant it to be a step rather than a leap. Now, I find myself surrounded by whispers and conjecture, a chorus of questions and statements – some encouraging, some insulting – follow me into the classroom, where the members of my class stare at me with open wonder.

The gauntlet, it seems, has been laid at my feet, and without even thinking of the consequences, I picked it up and struck, leaving the Second's ego bruised and smarting.

Now… now I stand on the threshold – of the classroom, and something far deeper – my eyes locked helplessly on Ikari's as he gazes at me with undisguised shock.

He heard.

Souryu knows it too, because she will not look at him… but he heard.

He knows what I said about wanting to be near him. He knows that Souryu tried to stop me. Any chance to turn away or act as if nothing is out of the ordinary has been stripped from me and cast aside, pulled casually out of my hands by the acoustics of our classroom door and the whisperings of the students on both sides.

Abruptly, he tears his eyes away from mine, his face flushing horribly as he stares fixedly at his desktop. What do I do now? In the back of my mind, I was having vague, half-formed notions of holding a small conversation with him during our lunch break, or perhaps during the train ride to NERV later in the evening – just to see if I could actually interact with him – but now… now my options are limited, not only by Asuka's declaration, but by simple knowledge.

The simple knowledge that… he… heard.

Continued…

Author's Notes: portraying Asuka in this situation was far trickier than I thought. I didn't want her to come off as a total BITCH… just a confused adolescent that doesn't really know what she wants and is lashing out at the perceived source of her frustrations. Hopefully I got somewhere NEAR that ideal, and if I failed, well, sorry – I did the best I could.

No pre-reader is being used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


	7. Part 7

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 7

"Ikari."

"H-hi…"

How… pathetic. With the eyes of the entire classroom on me, I wither and fade, unable to push more than his name past my stiff, frozen lips. Someone in the back of the class laughs, but it is embarrassed, ashamed – the uncomfortable chuckle of someone who is grateful that they are not the one being scrutinized.

I envy them.

Everyone is staring at me. I feel paralyzed. They all expect something from me – even though they are not involved with what is happening, they all expect me to act. I cannot back down, not after my bold words with the Second. I am trapped by my own actions, and yet, one minute becomes two, then three, then four, and still, I cannot set foot inside the classroom. If I move – if I break free of this stillness gripping me, I will have no choice… I will not-

My eyes widen as I feel a palm plant itself firmly in the middle of my back, and before I can turn, I am shoved through the door. I catch myself before I can stumble by putting a hand on the first desk in the room, and from behind me, a soft voice tells me what to do.

"Just talk."

"…Hikari?"

"Don't just stand there… talk to him. This is what you wanted, right? Don't mess up, Rei – go for it!"

"Y-yes…"

I gather myself, bolstered by her words of encouragement, pathetically gratefully that I am not alone in this. Reaching for the last shred of the calm that used to be so natural for me, I walk down the aisle towards Ikari's desk, keeping my eyes focused on him so as not to be distracted by the stares of those around me.

Nearing his desk, though, I hear the Second murmur something under her breath. I glance her way, but find her eyes fixed not on me, but Hikari. Her face is tight with rage and hurt as she stares at the class rep, the right side of her upper lip pulling back slightly to reveal her teeth in an almost feral display of emotion.

Somehow, I doubt that the Second will be eating lunch with Hikari today.

Reaching Ikari's desk, I stop, pushing thoughts of the Second from my mind as I gaze down at the top of his head. He keeps his eyes carefully downcast, seemingly too afraid of what I might have to say to raise his head. Is he… frightened of me? Hikari said he looks at me every day – is it out of fear, perhaps?

Why won't he look at me?

"Ikari."

"Hi… Ayanami…"

I don't know what to say. Tongue-tied and clumsy, I cannot think of a single word.

It was so much different in my mind. When I was deciding what I might say to him, he was always looking at me, and we were always alone… and the words simply came, slipping from my lips with the ease of years spent interacting with others.

As if I'd ever had more than a three sentence conversation.

"You… look well today."

"Er… thanks…?"

I am falling. I am failing. This is nothing like making friends with Hikari – nothing.

This time I am the aggressor… and it is not a role that suits me.

Ikari shifts in his seat, his fingers idly tapping his desk as his eyes shoot briefly to mine, darting away after showing me the uncertainty in them. He does not know what to expect, and I am not skilled enough in dealing with people to make it clear.

Why is this so hard? Hikari told me that when the Second wanted to talk to her, she simply walked up to her and started a conversation, finding commonalities that-

That's it. Commonality…

"Your… synch scores have been going up."

"Y-yeah, I… I guess."

"Is it easier now? You… told me once that you did not like it."

"Well, umm… I guess so. I mean, I still don't LIKE it, but I have to do it, right? So… so yeah, it's easier now."

"Mm."

Progress. Halting, shivering, uneven progress. I feel exhilarated – the same sensation that fills me when we defeat the angels is now rushing through me, energizing me and making me bolder.

I have started a conversation… now I simply need to continue it.

It is, I find, rather trickier than I had anticipated. I know that I should build on common ground, but the only thing I can think of that I have in common with Ikari is EVA… and EVA does not make very interesting conversation.

Valiantly, I search for a new topic.

"You enjoy… music, correct?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I do."

"Classical?"

"Uh huh."

"I-"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this."

Blinking, I turn to find the Second staring at us with open disgust. Her arms are once again folded over her chest, and all of the hostility she exhibited outside of the classroom is back… and seems to have doubled, or possibly tripled, as she glares from Ikari to me and back again.

"I don't know why I thought you were a threat to me – you can't even TALK."

"Asuka, why are you getting all pissed off? You never even lik-"

"Shut up you little traitor! Mind your own damn business."

Behind me, I hear Hikari draw in a sharp breath… but she does not retort, and after a moment, I hear her desk scrape against the floor as she settles into it.

This is my fight, it seems. No one will assist me. No one will support me. No one is going to intervene to help or hinder – it is down to Ikari, the Second, and me.

There is no option other than to move forward.

"Ikari, would you like to-"

"Don't ignore me!"

"-speak with me more after our synch-"

"DON'T YOU IGNORE ME!!"

"-ronization tests are complete?"

"Umm… I… s-sure, I g-guess…"

"DAMN IT!!"

Half of the class jumps as the Second's fist slams down on her desk, making it rattle against the floor. I turn to face her, fully prepared to defend myself, but she brushes past me, heading towards the door without a backward glance.

As she passes me, however, she whispers something too quiet for anyone else in the room to hear, and I have to keep myself from staring after her, positive that I saw something wet on her cheeks.

The classroom is silent, to my surprise. I expected everyone to begin whispering at once, to either condemn or praise me for having the wherewithal to actually defy the Second… but no one is saying anything. Instead, all eyes are on me, watching, expectant, waiting for me to make some statement, or show my triumph.

I do not feel triumphant. All I feel is confusion. It is as if I am taking something from her, somehow. It seems wrong – and I do not understand it. I have no reason to be ashamed of my actions, and yet, I am. I want someone to tell me that I did the right thing. I want someone to acknowledge that the Second was in the wrong for trying to stand in my way.

But most of all, I want this feeling to go away. I don't want to feel that I have done something wrong when I haven't. It is not… fair.

A desk scrapes behind me, and I turn, catching sight of Hikari as she rises to her feet. She strides towards the classroom door, keeping her head down as she calls out for Souryu.

She does not look at me.

Suddenly, I feel much, much older than fourteen. Hikari is my friend too, isn't she? Don't I deserve a word or a glance? Didn't I just act on her instructions and speak to Ikari?

Ikari is looking at me now. It makes me uncomfortable, but oddly, it is a pleasant sort of discomfort. How odd… to want his eyes on me while simultaneously wishing he would look away.

"Ahem."

"Sensei!"

"Is there something wrong, Mister Ikari? I just passed Miss Horaki and Miss Souryu in the hall. They seemed upset."

"N-no sir."

"Mm, I see. Very well, then since our class representative is absent, everyone please be so kind as to rise, now bow… and be seated. …you too, Miss Ayanami."

"Yes, sir."

With a final glance at Ikari, I take my seat… and almost immediately my computer system is lit with a deluge of instant messages. Our sensei seems to be ignoring the soft ping coming from my desk – most likely because I am a Child – and is proceeding to the opening argument of his lecture.

I take a glance at the screen, amazed by the variety of names and comments presented there. Several say, simply, 'Nice job!' or, 'You rule!' but just as many read, 'Tramp,' and 'Souryu kicks ass!'

One even goes so far as to propose a sexual encounter in the men's bathroom.

The username is anonymous.

Faster and faster the pings come, until a nonstop chorus of sound is coming from my computer's speakers. It is too much. I cannot cope with this much interaction at once. Not now. Not yet. It is too soon for this. I just want it to stop.

Click.

The classroom falls into silence as I switch my system off, and I realize that even the sensei has stopped talking. I keep my eyes on my desk, refusing to look at any of them for fear of what I might see in their eyes.

Be it loathing or admiration, I know that I will not be able to handle it. I have already done so much more today than I had planned that the idea of having to interact with anyone in a casual setting is literally terrifying to me right now. I am so overloaded that I am actually anticipating being at NERV… which, I believe, is a first for me.

The sensei opens his mouth to continue his lecture, and as the first syllable leaves his mouth, I feel a soft vibrating in my pocket.

No… no, not now.

"Sensei."

"Yes, Mister Ikari?"

"I… we need to go…"

Instantly, everyone is on their feet, lining up in rows as the sensei shouts for quiet. This is familiar to them. They know what they must do.

Quickly, the students file out of the room, leaving only Ikari and me behind as we reach into our pockets and pull out our cell phones.

"Rei."

"Yes."

"There is a situation."

"…yes."

"Section Two is on the way to retrieve you now."

"I understand."

"Rei."

"Yes?"

"…I've read Doctor Akagi's report. You are to double your synchronization drills until your numbers are up to four points over their original levels. Understood?"

"Yes sir."

Click.

I close my cell phone and put it back in my pocket. Ikari is standing now, staring out the window as his hands clench and unclench nervously at his sides.

Rising to my feet, I step closer to him, once again feeling the now-familiar edge of uncertainty twist my stomach as I glance at his reflection in the window. He is… very attractive. I know that some of the others in class do not agree with this, as I have heard them talking about it on more than one occasion, but to me… Ikari is very appealing.

I like the lankness of his hair. I like the cloudiness of his eyes. I like the thinness of his frame. I like the sad droop of his lips.

Every fault I have overheard shines to me, exposing the true depth of my feelings.

"Ik…ari?"

I still cannot say his name…

"Hmm?"

"Do you… like Souryu-san?"

"I… yeah, I… kinda… I guess…"

"Are you angry with me…?"

"N-no! Why… why would you even ask that??"

"…I upset her."

"Well, that's er…"

"I did not mean to make you mad."

"You didn't, really! But I…"

"Yes?"

"Do you really want to… to talk to me about something?"

"Yes."

"We, umm… they're coming to get us…"

"Yes."

"Maybe we should… talk now…?"

My heart is beating fast. We are alone, and Ikari has offered to listen to what I have to say… so why can I not make the words come out?

My throat literally hurts as I try to say, 'I would like to know you better,' or, 'would you like to spend some time with me in a private setting?' or, 'I like your company.'

They all sound so wooden and robotic.

Like me.

I feel a shiver work through me as I struggle to speak. This is not what I envisioned – nor is it even remotely close. This is beyond my control. This is too abrupt. I cannot make it work.

I CANNOT MAKE IT WORK!!

"Pilots Ayanami and Ikari, please come with us!"

No! Please, just one more minute – I want to say something… anything…__

Shinji steps away from my side, giving me a nervous half-smile and a small wave as he walks over to one of the two Section Two agents standing at the door. We will not see each other again until we arrive at NERV – that is standard procedure.

Keeping Children separate during transportation was Major Katsuragi's concept, proposed after the arrival of the Second. She pointed out that a 'divide and conquer' approach would ensure proper delivery of at least one pilot, in the unlikely events of angel penetration into Tokyo-3 airspace, terrorist action against the pilots, or natural disaster barring one to two of the Children's paths.

It is a system I have never had a reason to dislike until now.

"Ayanami…?"

"Y-yes?"

"When it's over, we'll talk."

"…yes."

I follow the other agent out of the classroom, taking only minor comfort from Ikari's assurance. At least he is willing, I tell myself, but it took so much to reach this point that I am uncertain of my ability to reach it again. I should have said something when I had the chance.

I should have said something when I had the chance.

To be concluded…

Author's Notes: the end is coming. No, really. And just so you know, none of you have seen angst yet… but you will.

You've been warned.

No pre-reader is being used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


	8. Part 8 Version 2

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 8

(second version)

My plug suit pressurizes with a soft hiss, pulling close against my body. Normally, I would stand and go immediately to the EVA cages… but today my thoughts are in turmoil, so I simply sit and stare straight ahead, my forefinger still resting on the pressurization switch at the plug suit's wrist.

The Second has already left, brushing past me without so much as a second look and muttering that she would rather change in the women's bathroom than breathe the same air as me, so I am alone.

Always alone.

The basis of my rage suddenly becomes clear and sharp as I think of that one, single word. I hate being alone. I should not be alone. I do not deserve to be alone.

Have I always felt this way? I do not even know. I am so used to blocking my feelings that I cannot even remember stopping to think about my living conditions, or the fact that I am the only 14 year old I know that lives by herself. Suppression is no longer effective. I'm scared now – scared that I want more. I don't WANT to feel that I do not have enough. I've never felt this way before. I don't like it.

Gathering up every bit of my control, I will myself NOT to care.

Slowly rising to my feet, I nod. It seems to have worked. The stillness that has served me for so long is still within reach. I do not have to feel any way I do not wish to feel – I am the one in control – that is what the Commander taught me. He said, 'You, above everyone on this planet, must learn control. You are the one carrying the burden, Rei. All of mankind is relying on you, and the bond you share with EVA stretches to each and every living soul. Do not let them down, Rei… do not let me down.'

I will not, Commander… I just wish-

No. No I will not allow myself to think these thoughts anymore. Ikari is not for me. Attraction is not for me. Companionship is not for me. Uncertainty is not for me.

There must only be my will, my destination, and my purpose. I must let nothing else matter to me.

Confident that I am safe within my shell of detachment once more, I make my way to the locker room door… and with the push of a button, everything I have built comes crashing right back down.

"Ayanami, er…"

"I-Ikari. Why are you… here…?"

"I, umm…"

"…yes?"

"G-ganbatte, Ayanami…"

He leaves before I can reply… not that I would have known how, had I been given the opportunity. How? How is it that I was entirely isolated less than thirty seconds ago, and after a mere two words, I am prepared to chase Ikari down the hall and beg him to spend time with me?

Taking a calming breath, I follow him to the EVA cages, finding all three Units already being moved into position for launch. For this mission, we will be dispersed through the valley outside of Tokyo-3 under full combat preparedness. Our target is unknown at this time, so we have been given directions to observe and await orders before engaging.

It is all I can do to acknowledge Miss Ibuki's sketched description of what to expect before I am marching reluctantly towards Unit 00's entry plug to await insertion. I steal a glance at Ikari, and to my surprise, he does not avert his gaze. Instead, he raises his hand in a timid wave, then hurries into his plug, not allowing me a chance to wave back.

"Rei… you're blushing. Are you and Shinji, umm… did you guys get together…?"

"N-no, Miss Ibuki, we did not."

"Are you GOING to?"

"I… do not know."

"Well, if you need any help, let me know. I think you guys would make a great couple."

"I see."

"Heh… I like you, Rei… you're kind of hard to talk to, but I still like you. Oh, sorry, that was a little forward of me wasn't it? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I just, well, oh forget it, we can talk about it later if you want– you should get into the plug before the Commander gets upset."

"…yes."

More confusion.

I climb into the plug, trying to relax into the pilot's seat as Miss Ibuki's words echo in my ear. Since when am I so appealing to others?

If she likes me so much, why hasn't she ever made an attempt to get to know me, as Hikari has? I know that much of the reason I am friendless is personal choice and my lack of ability and desire to make the effort to respond to people, but for some reason I find Miss Ibuki's comment upsetting. She knows me even better than Hikari, and has for much longer… so if she wanted to befriend me, what has been stopping her?

Perhaps… because she knows I like Ikari? Is it THAT important that I like him that people are more willing to express themselves to me? Or is it because I like anyone at all? Or does Miss Ibuki-

I signal my readiness to launch, bracing myself as Unit 00 is catapulted to the surface and doing my best to shake off these troubling, increasingly irrational thoughts.

We have been given different destinations. The Second takes point. Ikari brings up the rear. I am assigned the middle, stationed several miles between the two. I understand the strategy of preparing for combat in three locations, but for some reason I find that I would rather be near Ikari.

Dismissing the notion as a fabrication of my scattered thoughts, I await my next order, listening to the chatter on the tac-net.

"What? An explosion at Matsushiro? Is Misato ok?"

Ikari's voice, I decide, half-listening to the remainder of the conversation, is very feminine. He could easily be mistaken for a woman, if the person speaking to him did not know he was a boy. It is not UNpleasant, I find, and when I close my eyes, I can envision the way his lips move.

With a start, I realize that this is a little too stimulating, and I force myself to think of something else, shifting in my seat as if I was just caught staring at Ikari through a hole in the men's shower room wall.

Not that I would mind that, necess- no… no I will not think like this.

After several minutes of warring with my suddenly lewd thoughts, our target is brought onscreen, thankfully giving me something else to focus on.

Ikari gasps.

Somehow, though, I am unsurprised – as if I knew Evangelion Unit 03 would be taken. I am often hit with feelings of insight, usually regarding the angels, so I am not taken aback by my foreknowledge, but the fact that the status of the pilot is undeclared concerns me. He is Ikari's friend… and Hikari's intended.

How can I fight, with that information?

"You mean you still don't know who the pilot is??"

The Second's voice is cut off before she can tell Ikari the identity of the Fourth, and a moment later, the confirmation of Unit 02's status is broadcast over the Tac-net. The Commander tells me to prepare myself, instructing me to conceal myself behind a close by mountain.

Bringing my pallet rifle up, I wait for Unit 03 – now designated the thirteenth angel – to come into range. My thoughts churn and roll, but I suppress them.

This is not the time for doubt. This is not the time to be concerned for the feelings of a fellow pilot. This is not the time for fledgling emotions to override combat training and duty. The target staggers into view. I press myself tightly against my cover, watching through Unit 00's monitors as it walks past my location, seemingly unaware of my presence.

There will never be a better time.

Slowly, I bring my rifle around, locking onto the nape of the possessed Unit's neck. The entry plug is visible beneath a thick layer of some kind of organic webbing, and I know just from looking that it is not a dummy plug. The ejection was unsuccessful.

My targeting system confirms a ninety-five percent target lock. All I have to do is squeeze the trigger and the angel will die.

"But the pilot is…"

I hesitate.

It is a mistake.

The angel is on me before I can respond, executing an entirely graceless backward leap to come crashing down on Unit 00, bringing it to the ground as effortlessly as a child swatting a gnat. Almost immediately, I feel something… worming its way into my arm – Unit 00's arm – and I do not need Miss Ibuki's announcement to know that I have been compromised.

Pain is something I have grown used to in my life, but I cannot help crying out as Commander Ikari gives the order to sever Unit 00's arm, sending a mental relay of the sensation directly into my mind.

I clutch the imagined wound, trying my best not to whimper as my brain informs me that I am missing a limb. Through pain-hazed eyes I see the angel staring down at me, clearly trying to decide if I am worth killing. I can almost feel its confusion as it gazes at me.

What kind of enemy would mutilate one of its own soldiers? The question is in its eyes, and somehow, in my mind… but that must be my imagination, mustn't it? How could I know the thoughts of an angel?

"Unit 00 is down, Commander, it is unable to continue fighting."

"Time to Unit 01's location is less than five minutes, sir."

Failed. Once again I have failed. The angel is moving away, uncaring and unfeeling about the damage it is inflicting to the houses all around us. It is powerful, relentless, inhuman, and bent on the singular goal of destroying everything in its path. And now it is on its way towards headquarters, with only Ikari standing in its way. He will be hurt – possibly killed… because I was not able to fight properly.

Unacceptable.

"Commander! Unit 00 is trying to get up!"

"Rei, what are you doing? Stand down – now."

"No response sir, her communications system is set to receive only."

"Rei, what are you hoping to accomplish?"

"Still not replying sir. She's moving to engage. …can she beat it, Commander?"

"Hmph. Unit 00 is two generations behind Unit 03, and it's missing a limb. She doesn't have a chance."

The pain in my arm is almost unbearable, but it is nothing in comparison to the clenching of my heart and stomach. So much of me wants to lie down and ignore the angel entirely, but to do that would be to allow it to proceed uncheck to the place Ikari is defending, and I know… I know that he will not be able to harm the pilot, when all is said and done.

What, then, are my choices?

I force Unit 00 to its feet and engage its progressive knife, but before I can draw it, the angel is on me, whipping back around to face me and charging my position with an unearthly cry of rage. I sidestep, dodging its first attack. It presses… I backpedal.

Stopping the angel is all that matters. I must not allow it to pass me, because-

**_I am in love with Ikari._**

Understanding hits harder than the angel's fists, making my heart momentarily stop. The world grays around me, and I barely avoid the angel's questing hands as I try to deny this simple notion. Why else would he be in my thoughts every day? Why else would his smile affect me so? Why else would I disobey orders to keep him from facing the pain of having to harm another human?

It seems that there is no other conclusion.

I am in love.

"The angel is outflanking Unit 00, Commander… she can't keep up. MAGI predict ninety percent probability that it will pin her between itself and the mountainside within two minutes."

"Commander – she's got her prog knife out. I think she-"

"She does not have a chance, Lieutenant… don't give her false hope. Rei, retreat at once – I am sending Unit 01 to your location to deal with the angel."

"Still no reply, sir."

"Mm…"

It hurts. Ikari… it hurts.

Love is supposed to be blissful, isn't it? Yet I feel as if I cannot get enough breath, and there is something gripping my heart so tightly that I am amazed it is able to beat. I want to see you. I want to talk to you. I want to have your arms around me. I want to hear your voice telling me that you feel for me what I feel for you.

Ikari… am I asking too much…?

"Unit 00 just lost its prog knife, Commander… the angel has her."

"Prepare to blow the other limbs and force-eject the pilot. Losing a second Unit to this angel is not an option, Lieutenant."

"Sir?"

"What is it?"

"Unit 00's back is to the mountain – if we eject her, she'll be k-"

"Irrelevant. If the angel tries to seize Unit 00, detonate any limbs necessary, Lieutenant."

"Yes, sir… I understand."

Yes… I am irrelevant. Yes, I am quiet. Yes, I am inexperienced at dealing with others.

But I will not allow Ikari to come to harm. Not so long as I have the power to stop it. I feel the angel's essence penetrating Unit 00's leg… and I see how I can beat it. There is only one option for me – one way to show that what I feel is more than simple infatuation.

God, forgive me.

Hikari, Forgive me.

Shinji… you, above all the others… forgive me for what I am going to do.

"Oh God – Commander! Unit 00-"

"Did you SEE THAT?!"

"Impressive."

The angel howls – more with anger than pain, I am sure – as I tear its shoulder compartment open and draw its progressive knife, bringing it down on the angel's right hand with all the force I can muster, pinning it to the mountainside. With one of its arms immobilized, we are more evenly matched, but I know that I am still outclassed in weight and power, so before it can pull the knife free I drop into a crouch and plant Unit 00's shoulder fin against the angel's stomach, triggering the close-assault weapons system.

The range is pointblank. I cannot miss.

"…forgive me."

Unit 03 shudders as the fifteen foot spikes enter its body, traversing the distance from its abdomen to its shoulders in less than a second and shooting a geyser of blood into the sky.

It is done.

"L-life signs from… from Unit 03's entry plug just zeroed, sir…"

"And the angel?"

"Incapacitated – but not destroyed. MAGI predict one point five minutes until it takes control of-"

"Sir! Unit 00's self-destruct system just went online!"

"…of course it did."

The burning pain in my leg intensifies as the angel tries desperately to take control before Unit 00 can self-destruct… but I know it will not succeed. Peripherally, I am aware of the fact that I am going to die, but it seems so irrelevant now.

For a moment, I held all that was precious between my fingers. I understood that love is not about how good you feel, it is about what you are willing to do to save the one care most for – to save THEM from feeling pain.

And now I must pay for what I have done. I accept the repercussions of what I have done to Suzuhara, and though there was no alternative, I know that there is no way Hikari will be able to understand why it had to be when she finds out what happened. Suzuhara would not have survived the battle under any circumstance… but that is not how Hikari will see it. All she will be able to see is the fact that I was the one who took him from her.

I lean back in my seat and close my eyes. Ikari? Will you blame me? I only did it to save you. My life is worthless – hollow… but in knowing you, I was able to at least get close to some semblance of normalcy. I broke free of my cocoon – if only for a moment – and spread wings I was not even aware I possessed… because of you.

To have lived – to have TRULY lived…

I count myself lucky.

"Can she be ejected?"

"Negative, sir, her back is still to the mountain. The angel fell against her, and she doesn't have the power or the leverage to move it."

"Thirty seconds, Commander – her core is approaching critical mass…"

"Ayanami!"

"Ik-AH!!"

Pain rips into my chest.

Uncomprehendingly, I open my eyes, trying to find the source of the horrible burning in my chest. The angel is still working its way into Unit 00's leg through the viscous fluid it excretes, but the body of Unit 03 – its original host – is no longer blotting out Unit 00's view of the sky.

Instead… Unit 01 is before me.

"How long do I have?!"

"Shinji! Get out of there! There's only nineteen seconds!!"

"It's enough – I can do this!"

"GET OUT OF THERE!!"

I scream. I cannot help myself.

Pain, unlike any I have experienced before, rips through my chest. Through tears of agony I look down, still not grasping what is happening to me. Blood, scraps of blue armor plating, and bits of tissues that should never be exposed to the outside air greet me as I stare into Unit 00's chest.

There is a hole there, growing wider and wider as Unit 01's progressive knife – buried to the hilt in my EVA – forces its way down, carving through Unit 00's flesh.

Carving through mine.

"Twelve Seconds, Shinji – YOU HAVE TO GO!!"

"Almost… THERE!"

Vertigo seizes me as my view of the world is upended, spinning out of control as something large and metallic clamps around the entry plug and pulls. Hard.

My chest clenches once more… and I feel my heart… stop.

"I've got-"

"Oh God… she's flatlining! Life support to maximum – hit her now!!"

There is a terrible roaring in my ears. How long until the self-destruct, I think with calm detachment. Should it not have already gone off?

Something smashes into my chest, but I hardly feel it.

Nothing makes sense.

Am I falling, or flying? I do not care anymore… I am so tired. Random images flood my mind.

Ikari.

The Commander.

Hikari.

Suzuhara.

Doctor Akagi.

Slowly their faces – and the faces of a hundred, a million others – pass through me. None of them smile. Not even Ikari. They surround me, bearing down on me, closing in on me, forcing the breath from my lungs. I struggle, aching to fly free, but they hold me back, their voices whispering horrid secrets in my ears as that blindingly painful shocking sensation slams into my chest again.

**_"You think it that easy? You think you may escape, whilst we are bound to this weak, pathetic existence? Insolent Child. You will NEVER be free! YOU HAVE NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH!!"_**

I try to scream again… but I cannot draw the breath. Darkness snatches me with all the suddenness of a cobra striking out at an unsuspecting field mouse, and my final thoughts before the world goes black twist around each other as if inseparable.

"I am dying/I am free."

Continued…

Author's notes: before anyone asks – no, I did not rewrite this chapter because of bad reviews or pressure to make it 'happy,' I simply was not pleased with the way it came out. Plain and simple. I may still go with the originally planned ending (hah… you people thought THIS ending was angsty??) but I'm not sure right now. Currently I'm projecting one more chapter, possibly two, depending on how the next one goes… but the first draft of this one just… didn't feel right…

No pre-reader was used on this chapter

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


	9. Part 9

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 9

Like a drowning swimmer trying desperately to get one last breath of air, I claw my way to consciousness, forcing my tired eyes open to find myself staring at yet another hospital room ceiling. I can feel the itch of an IV needle in the back of my left hand, as well as the telltale patches of stickiness denoting electrodes across the left half of my chest, though from my right, I can feel nothing.

This strikes me as odd. Always, before, I have been able to isolate each individual one, and they are always distributed evenly over my body.

I raise my right hand, examining it as it slowly comes into view.

Something is not right.

Though my mind is still sluggish from being unconscious, I can still register some things from the world around me. The first thing I notice is that there is an IV in my right hand as well. The second thing I notice is the electrode wires running out from the sleeve of my hospital gown to the machine at the side of my bed.

And the third thing I notice is that I cannot feel either of these things.

Experimentally, I grasp my right hand with my left and squeeze.

Nothing.

I know I am not paralyzed, as I can SEE my arm moving… but somehow, I am not getting any of the sensations associated with movement. I cannot even feel the pins and needles that are now running through my left side as nerves that have been dormant for some time (how long?) slowly come back to life.

A soft beep draws my attention, and letting my arm fall to my side I follow the noise, finding one of the lights on the machine to my left flashing incessantly. There is a soft whir, and I notice that my right rises slightly. Alarmed, I turn back, finding my upper arm swelling as another machine beeps intermittently.

Blood pressure, I tell myself. It is only a blood pressure cuff.

I try to slow my beating heart, glancing around for anything that may tell me what time it is. This proves fruitless, as the room I am in does not have a window, and seems devoid of any timekeeping devices. The door opens a moment later, however, and a doctor in a white coat steps through, smiling broadly as if my awakening was a direct result of his actions.

"You're up! Excellent."

"Doctor."

"How do you feel, Miss Ayanami?"

"I cannot feel my right side. Why?"

"Ahh, straight to the point, I see… well, yes, hmm… I'm afraid there was some nerve damage incurred when the resuscitation equipment in your plugsuit malfunctioned. What is your last memory?"

"My last memory is of Pilot Ikari retrieving me from Unit 00."

"Yes, I assumed as much… that was about the point were things went wrong. I'm afraid I cannot give you details about the fight itself – I've been given strict instructions to leave that to your commanding officer – but I can tell you that your heart stopped beating when the neural link between you and your Unit was severed."

"Yes… I remember."

"Mm, yes, well, electricity was administered to restart it… and I'm afraid the charge was a bit higher than it should have been, due to a fused transfer assembly in your plugsuit's battery pack."

"Understood. When will I regain the feeling in my right side?"

"I'm, er… afraid you won't, Miss Ayanami. I apologize for being so blunt, but the damage is permanent."

"…I see."

The doctor seems awkward and embarrassed as he changes the subject, giving me a quick, but thorough physical and letting me know that the Commander has allowed me two days to rest before I begin physical therapy. When I ask him why I would need physical therapy, he explains to me that I have been unconscious for much longer than I had anticipated.

I had assumed twenty-four, to forty-eight hours.

It has been three weeks.

He explains that my muscle tissues show remarkably little deterioration, but he wants to make sure that I am able to function without feeling in my right side. He goes on to explain that my injury is rather unique, in his experience, because the only damage seems to be isolated to the receptor nerves – all of the transmitters that control motor function are intact, as are my auditory and optic nerves… but the cells responsible for reporting feedback for my sense of touch are no longer effective.

In short, I can walk, manipulate things, and function at one hundred percent, but I will not be able to feel any of it.

He asks me if I am hungry. When I say that I am, he tells me that he will have a nurse bring in a tray of food, and excuses himself, leaving me to my thoughts.

Three weeks. Three weeks I have been trapped in dreamless, silent slumber, oblivious to the world outside as it rushes past. How much has changed? How much has stayed the same? I cannot imagine that everything I know has become radically different, but I am certain that not everything has remained stagnant.

Hikari, for one, I am sure must have changed… she would have to, after learning of what I have done. Surely, she must hate me now.

I look up as someone knocks on my door, and a moment later, Ikari appears, carrying a tray of food.

"Umm… hi."

"Hello, Ikari."

"Can I come in?"

"Yes."

"Thanks. I saw the nurse bringing this to you, so I just figured… I thought I'd do it instead."

"Mm."

"So, umm, I'll just… here."

He trails off, bringing the tray to my bed and setting it carefully over me. He then elevates the back of the bed to allow me better access, giving me the opportunity to study him as he does so. He seems thinner… as if he is not eating properly, and his eyelids seem heavy, as though he has not slept much, but otherwise, he is still Ikari.

He still smells the same.

I avert my eyes as he turns to look at me, his expression uncertain and hesitant.

"Do you… need me to help you? I talked to the doctor. He told me about… about your umm… injury."

"I believe I can do it."

"Ok…"

Carefully, I reach out and pick up the fork, pleased that there is little shaking in my arm, but disconcerted by the lack of sensation as my fingers close around the metal. Ikari lifts the lid from the tray of food, murmuring that he tried to tell them I would not eat meat, but that they must have forgotten.

Inexplicably, I find my cheeks flushed.

I have only mentioned my dislike of meat once – and we have only eaten together once… yet he speaks of it as if we spend every meal together.

It is disturbing to me how appealing that sounds.

"…I'm glad you're ok."

"Mm…"

"There was a moment there, when I pulled you out of your entry plug, when I… I thought I'd lost you, too…"

"Too…?"

"Oh… oh no one's told you! Umm… oh, God, I thought the doctor would have told you what happened…"

"He said he was not allow-"

"Touji's… Touji's dead. Misato said he was visiting his uncle just outside of Tokyo-3, and he didn't get to a shelter in time and he was… he was caught in the blast when Unit 00 blew up."

"I… do not understand. The pilot of… Unit 03…"

"What pilot? It wasn't being piloted, Ayanami – my father explained that it was being operated by something called a 'dummy plug.' It's kind of like an autopilot for the EVAs."

They… have not told him the truth?

Why would they not tell him? Suzuhara was his friend – why create a story like this when it would be just as easy to let him know what really happened? I do not understand.

Ikari clears his throat, and proceeds to tell me that there was another angel.

He tells me that it invaded less than two days after Unit 03 was destroyed. Fortunately, by that time, Unit 02 had been repaired, and since Unit 01 had not received any damage, both Units were engaged for the fight.

According to Ikari, Unit 02 was positioned just inside the Geofront in a sniping position, with Unit 01 behind it as backup. Apparently, Unit 02 was caught unaware by the angel's primary close-assault weapon – two razorwire ribbons, disguised as arms – and disabled within the first three minutes, leaving Unit 01 to fight alone.

"…and I ran out of power right when I was about to beat it, can you believe that?"

"Then… how did you defeat it?"

"I'm not really sure, actually. It was pounding on Unit 01 with its arms, and my entry plug was cracking, and all I could think of doing was making Unit 01 move… and then everything went blue, and I passed out. When I woke up, the angel was dead, and everyone said I'd done it, but I really don't remember how."

"Mm…"

"I… I think Asuka might know what really happened, but every time I bring it up, she changes the subject. Hey, maybe someone will tell you, and you can tell me, ok?"

"All… alright."

"Thanks, Ayanami."

"…you are welcome."

He jumps slightly as my fork falls onto the tray. I frown at my hand, displeased that I forgot to keep it closed. It seems I will need to be more vigilant about how I do things I would normally take for granted. I had not realized before just how much of what I do is touch-reliant. Under normal circumstances, I would have noticed that my grip was slackening, and compensated automatically.

Now, I will need to focus on everything I do.

If I do not wish to be a burden.

Ikari says nothing as I eat everything on my tray – even the meat portions, though I do not enjoy them – as I know I will need the energy to allow my body to recover faster. When I am done, he sets the tray to the side and helps me lower my bed, murmuring that he will let me sleep.

I nod and close my eyes, suddenly finding myself very fatigued, yet not quite able to fall immediately to sleep. Beginning to count – as the Commander taught me I should when I am unable to sleep – I wait for the door to open and close, signaling Ikari's departure… but when I get to three hundred and four, I realize that he is still with me.

I am on the verge of opening my eyes and asking him what is wrong, when I hear a soft, whispering sound… like fabric being drawn across a rough surface. It is very close to my right ear – somewhere near my cheek, by the sound of it – but I cannot identify it. It is unlike anything I have ever heard before, but somehow, it is very soothing.

Very slowly, I open my eyes just a sliver, trying to identify the noise.

All I can see… is Ikari. He is leaning over my bed, biting his bottom lip with an expression of intense concentration as he runs his fingertips lightly across the right side of my face.

Of all the times for me to be unable to feel… why must this be it? Why now? Why like this? Why am I denied the most basic of human affections the very first time it is offered to me?

Ikari jerks back suddenly as I open my eyes, scrambling to his feet with a look of shame so deep that it makes me almost physically ill. He stammers something about having to get some homework done, and hurries towards the door.

I barely find my voice before he is gone.

"Wait…"

"I umm, I really have to go… so get… get better soon, R- Ayanami, and umm… get better soon… bye."

"Wait, Ikari… do not go."

The silence is heavy and oppressive as he stands by the door, one hand raised and trembling halfway to the door handle. I can tell that he wants to leave… and I cannot say that I blame him. I would be mortified if I was in his situation.

But I am not in his situation – I am in my situation… and I have come too far and lost too much to stop moving forward now.

"…do not go."

And yet, I cannot find more compelling words.

Before me stands the one that I love – the one that, to me, I have acknowledged loving for less than three hours of consciousness… and I can do nothing more than beg him not to leave me. How… disgusting.

Am I truly so pathetic that I cannot express myself? What is so difficult about saying, 'I would like you to stay with me, because I enjoy your company and I would like to be with you'? They are only words… simple statements of affection and intent, and yet they will not come.

I am nothing.

My EVA is gone, so my status as a pilot is uncertain. The right side of my body feels dead, so I will need to be conscious of my every waking move so as not to inadvertently brush up against things and knock them down. And worst of all, I have been given a second opportunity to reveal my feelings to Ikari – to see if he cares for me on any level deeper than simple camaraderie…

…and all I bring forth is stillness.

"I'll… see you around."

"Ikari, I-"

It is too late.

Ikari throws the door open and hurries out.

Or at least, he would have, had the Second not been standing directly outside. As it is, he collides with her rather forcefully, knocking her to the ground and falling on top of her. I suppose, in a comedic setting, this would be rather amusing. Souryu's cry of surprise is certainly unlike anything I have ever heard before, and the silence that follows their unceremonious decent to the ground is definitely pregnant with possibilities for a quip or wry comment.

However, the atmosphere is too thick for such antics, and the Second's softly spoken words are far too serious to raise a laugh from anyone save the deranged.

"Would you get off?"

"Ahh! Sorry!! I didn't mean to-"

"Stop talking – now. Honestly, Third Child, if you were that desperate for a feel, you could have gotten one from Wondergirl while she was out."

"I didn't mean to touch you there! You have to beli-"

"You're still talking. You should stop."

"…sorry."

Ikari scrambles to his feet, and the Second follows a moment later, giving me a chance to get a better look at her.

Her appearances are… surprising, to say the least. Her eyes are hard and unsmiling – more so than I have ever seen – and her mouth seems frozen in a perpetual semi-frown, as if everything she sees upsets her. As she steps into the room, I realize that she is not wearing her A-10 connectors, and it occurs to me that I have never seen her without them before – even in the shower room.

Their absence unnerves me more than anything else.

"First."

"Souryu."

"I need to talk to you."

"Mm."

"Go away, Third Child."

"Er… y-yeah…"

The Second stares down at me unblinkingly until Ikari fumbles the door back open and bows his way out of it, and as soon as the door swings shut, she folds her arms over her breasts and starts talking.

"Did you tell him?"

"Tell him what?"

"Don't play with me, First – I'm not in the mood. Did you tell him?"

"About… Suzuhara."

"DUH!! Yes, about Suzuhara – DID you tell him??"

"…no."

"Don't."

"I do not understand."

"I didn't ask you to understand, I'm TELLING you that he can't know the truth."

"Why?"

"What are you, stupid?? God, how can you be that dense?! He thinks Suzuhara died because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time – do you know what it would do to him if he found out that one of us killed him? That it could have been avoided if we had a better battle plan?"

"…it would hurt him."

"Ya THINK?! This is why I came here – you would have just blabbed all about it, wouldn't you?!"

"No, I-"

"Shut up! He can't EVER know, First Child, do you get it? Ever. Period."

"I understand."

"Good."

Her admonition complete, the Second whirls around and stalks to the door, shoving it open and starting through it… but hesitating on the threshold with her head bowed as if deep in thought.

Slowly, she lets the door swing shut; keeping her back to me as she softly drives a knife deep into my heart.

"Hikari knows."

"She… does?"

"Yeah… her dad's department got the expense report for Touji's funeral, and the name sounded familiar – so like a true dumbass, he actually ASKED Hikari, 'Wasn't he a friend of yours? Did you know he was a pilot?' She cried for days, First Child… days."

"I see…"

"I hate you."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me. You're an emotionless little freak – nothing more. Hikari said she was sure you were only doing what you had to do, but I know better… you didn't even THINK about Suzuhara, did you? No, you just killed the angel like a good little doll, because that's all you are. You make me sick."

"I am not a d-"

"Shut your damn mouth, and don't ever open it when I'm around."

"You're wrong."

"Damn it, didn't I just say-"

"I wanted to save Suzuhara, but there was-"

"SHUT UP!!"

"-nothing I could do."

Souryu's shoulders are shaking, but as her back is to me, I cannot tell if it is with rage or grief. She pushes the door back open, straightening her back as she steps through it without a word, leaving me alone with my guilt and uncertainty.

Hikari knows that I am the one responsible for Suzuhara's death, Souryu hates me with every fiber of her being, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to find my way clear to actually TALK to Ikari.

Suddenly, I find myself thinking that it might have been better to have perished with Unit 00.

Contiuned…

Author's notes: I can't really think of anything to note other than the fact that I really don't know how fast muscle tissue deteriorates for people in comas. I just figured that with three weeks down, there'd probably be at least a couple days recuperation time. If anyone has a more realistic estimate for what three weeks of immobility does to a person, feel free to let me know.

No pre-reader is being used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


	10. Part 10

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 10

I receive no other visitors during my rehabilitation. I spend five days in the hospital building my muscles back up – a fairly reasonable time, according to my physical trainer – before being released. No one is there when I leave the hospital, but I am used to this by now, as I have never had anyone waiting for me.

For the first time, however, I feel the faintest pangs of… regret, perhaps? I am unsure – it is too new a feeling to properly isolate. Shaking off the sensation, I make my way to the train station, oddly grateful to be surrounded by so many bodies.

Why is it that I have never taken note of how varied the riders are?

Every one of them has a destination, and though many of them are going to the same place, each of them will undertake a different task when they arrive. They are like flowers… each of them unique and somehow radiant to my eyes. I feel a tug of a memory, closing my eyes to make it easier to remember.

_Each without purpose.___

Slowly, my eyes open once more, glancing around at the people surrounding me. Was I truly that jaded? …was it my choice?

Nothing is clear anymore. I no longer know where to look – everything is suddenly interesting to the point of being agonizing. I want to know that they are all going somewhere, and not just riding pointlessly back and forth, a bizarre prop to make me believe that I am not the only one alive in the world.

Stop it… STOP IT.

I do not want to have these thoughts!

Reaching for stillness, I take a breath. Inhale, I tell myself… exhale… inhale… exhale…

Emotionlessness saves me once more, driving away the sense of claustrophobia that had been threatening to overwhelm me, but as I leave the train, departing three stops before my normal one, I find that something is different.

All of the colors – all of the world's colors… are dimmer. Confused, I look to the sky, surveying the faded blue of the horizon for a long moment, trying to understand why it is not as vibrant as when I was leaving the hospital. Something in the atmosphere, perhaps?

With another breath, I push my emotions further into the back of my mind… and to my horror, I realize that everything has faded still further. The harder I try not to feel, the blander and duller the world seems, and with sudden insight I understand that the opposite is the case: since I have always suppressed my emotions, I have never truly SEEN the world before.

What a cruel compromise. If I hold to my old self – if I contain my emotions and hide within the shell I have built for the last seven years… then am I truly alive? Yet, if I allow myself to feel, will I be able to function properly? What of my obligation? My purpose? Will I even be able to pilot, if I am letting my emotions rage out of control? Or will I end up like the Second, slowly losing my ability to pilot even as I try my hardest to…

Fourteen.

I feel cold.

I am not seven years old… I am fourteen. My birthday is February eighteenth, 2001 – I am fourteen years old. Why did I think seven? Why can I never remember my childhood? The Commander once explained to me that the human mind does not begin consciously retaining information until the age of two years, but that occasionally even full-grown adults will have half-formed memories of diaper changes surface in their mind.

Why then can I not remember anything from my fifth year, or my sixth?

What happened to me when I was seven?

…what am I?

Glancing up, I realize that I have passed my building by several blocks. Slowly, I make my way back, climbing the stairs to my floor without so much as raising my head – far too lost in thought to notice my surroundings. I step over the small pile of mail and enter my apartment, and find that ignoring my surroundings is now entirely useless.

All I can do is stare, however, as my eyes roam over the space I call home. Every surface sparkles. Every drawer on my dresser is closed, the wood shining as if brand new. Not so much as a speck of dust drifts through the warm, still air as I stare at the small piece of paper sitting on my neatly made bed. Opening the door on instinct, I glance down at the pile of mail outside, finally noticing that it is neat and orderly, each envelope stamped with the NERV logo, without a single flyer or catalogue in sight.

Hesitantly, I pick the envelopes up and bring them inside, setting them on the dazzling clean kitchen table almost reluctantly before making my way to the bed and picking the single sheet of paper up, noticing that it has been covering a small, plainly wrapped box.

Over and over, my eyes scan the simple message written in standard black ink.

_Welcome home._

Carefully, I set the paper aside – pretending that the trembling in my hand is due to my injury – and lift the box's lid, peering inside.

I can feel myself frowning – an odd sensation, when one side of your face is devoid of senses – as I look at the contents of the box. Chocolates. Nothing more than ordinary, regularly shaped pieces of milk chocolate, arranged in no particular order in the bottom of the box.

Slightly confused, I start to put the lid back, but I pause, leaning in closer as I spot another, smaller piece of paper sticking out from under one of the chocolates… and there, another… and another – until I realize that each chocolate has its own, individual label.

Maple. Orange cream. Mint. Carmel. Peanut brittle.

A dozen flavors, each painstakingly identified in awkwardly scrawled English and laid not randomly as I'd first thought, but in a distinct pattern – a singular, kanji character taking shape in chocolate as my eyes quickly trace it.

'Gomen.'

Recognition becomes confusion. Who would feel the necessity to apologize to me? I have not been wronged by anyone that I can recall, so who would-

I turn, my attention drawn by a sound behind me, and suddenly… I find myself face to face with the one person I would most like to avoid. Her face is serious, her eyes haunted and hurt as she stares at me, standing in the doorway to my apartment with her hands resting on her stomach as if she is about to be ill. Gone is the laughter from her expression. Gone is the shy smile from her lips. Gone are all traces of good humor and lightheartedness from her person.

All that remains now is sadness.

"Rei…"

"…Hikari. Why are you-"

"I f-followed you."

"I see. Are you hu-"

"It's not true, right?"

"Par-"

"Asuka s-said… said you killed him – it's not true, right? Please tell me it's not true, Rei… PLEASE!"

She presses her hands tighter to her stomach, a strangled cry of anguish resonating in her throat as I break eye-contact, no longer capable of meeting her tortured gaze.

How I had longed to put off this confrontation. I knew, of course, that she would seek me out – knew it instinctually… but I had very much wished for more time before having to see her face and deal with the repercussions of what I have done. She is – was – the only friend I have ever had, and I stole the most precious person in her life. There is nothing I can do to make that right.

It would not surprise me if she wanted to kill me for what I have done.

Slowly, almost drunkenly, she staggers into my apartment, making her way over to me and planting her feet inches from mine. Her eyes – her sad, glistening eyes – search mine for what seems like forever, seemingly trying to peer into my soul… though what she hopes to find, I do not know.

I blink, surprised as her hands rise up from her stomach and move into my personal space, moving past my throat (where I thought they must surely be heading) and hovering near by face, subtle tremors running through her fingertips as if they ache to make contact.

She is whimpering, her face screwed up into an expression of pained confusion so profound that it leaves any emotion I have ever felt seeming shaded and insignificant by comparison.

Then, before I can catch her, Hikari's legs give out, her knees crashing to the hard floor even as she flings her arms around my waist. I stagger, throwing my right arm behind me in search of support and sending the box of chocolates flying onto the floor, carefully tagged candies arching gracefully into the air and scattering in every direction as Hikari takes a long, deep breath, buries her face against my stomach, and begins to sob, her shoulders hunching uncontrollably as whatever emotional defenses she had constructed over the last few days are instantaneously vaporized.

Each of her wretched moans cuts through me like a knife, lacerating my ill-prepared heart again and again as she clings to me, her arms shaking so badly that I am amazed they possess the strength to hold me.

"Please…"

Over and over, that one word is flung hopelessly into my stomach, Hikari's hot tears saturating my shirt and stinging at the skin underneath as if they were made of acid.

What do I say? What do I do? I have no idea.

I was prepared for sadness. I was prepared for rage. I was even prepared for indifference, as I know many that deal with pain by pretending it does not exist… but I do not know how to deal with agony on this scale. It is as if she is seeking comfort – but that cannot be… I am the one that has brought this pain into her life.

Why would she come to me to ease it?

Uncertainly – not knowing what else to do… I lay my hand atop her head, patting it awkwardly as her sobs continue unabated.

Her hair is dry and brittle, the skin underneath hot and sweaty as her body tries to rid itself of the excess heat generated by crying. It is amazing, I think suddenly, as if casting around for something to focus on, that I know the mechanics and physiological side effects of crying… yet I have never done it myself.

Gradually – so gradually – her tears fade, and eventually stop, leaving her sniffling and shaking at my feet. Her arms are still wrapped around me, but they are no longer quite as desperate, merely holding me as her breathing slows to its normal pace. After several more minutes, she slowly rises to her feet, keeping me encircled in her arms but refusing to look into my face.

"I… w-want him… b-back…"

Hikari sways on her feet, the last of her energy spent on these four words.

Unsure of what else I can do, I step back towards the bed. She follows, her feet shuffling as if she is too weak to raise them more than an inch from the floor. Carefully disentangling myself from her arms, I sit on the edge of the bed, gesturing for her to do the same.

Looking at her this close, I can feel the exhaustion radiating from her in an almost palpable wave. There is no way she would make it down the stairs in this state, let alone all the way home, and it would be unconscionable of me to ask her to leave… no matter how guilty her presence makes me.

Instead of sitting, however, Hikari places her shaking hands on my shoulders, awkwardly guiding me down on the bed. Slowly, she lies down with me, arranging us on the small mattress so that we are both on our sides, with my back pressed tightly to her chest. Her arms wrap around me once more, holding me almost indecently close.

It occurs to me that I have never deliberately been this close to another human in my life… and I do not know how I should be feeling.

Her body is soft and somehow comforting against mine – not in a sexual way, but as a favorite food or special location. Her breath is warm and gentle against the back of my neck, and in a way I cannot describe; having her arms around me reminds me very forcibly of being in Unit 01's entry plug.

I realize that I am holding my body tense, and force myself to relax, easing my muscles into a more limber state as Hikari's breathing slowly evens out. Without looking, I can tell that she is already asleep, giving me the perfect opportunity to slip free of her arms.

Slowly, I wrap my hands around her wrists, fully intending to ease her hands away from my body. Several minutes later, I am still in the same position, concentrating all of my attention on the sensation drumming against the fingers of my left hand.

Doki… doki… doki… Hikari's heartbeat is strong and regular, pulsing through the tips of my fingers and halfway up my left hand, a wicked counterpoint to the cool emptiness of my right, and with a small shiver, the analogy that has been eluding me fore the past few minutes surges in my mind.

In my left hand, I feel pulsing warmth… in my right, cold, frozen nothingness.

Life…

Death…

Both are cradled in my hands.

Soon… so very soon now, I will be used to visit the death of Instrumentality upon the entire human race, paving the way for our rebirth as a singular, perfect being. All things will be revealed to all people, I have been told, and the cracks and fissures dividing one man from another will be sealed – the void in our hearts filled to overflowing with the presence of all of Humanity.

…but now, even as I try to quash it, a small voice inside of me whispers: 'You have taken the one Hikari cares most for… will she truly be happy after Complementation? Commander Ikari says that all the gaps in our souls will be bridged, but if Suzuhara was Hikari's One True Love, is it possible for her to be bridged by any other?'

Questions born of guilt, I tell myself. Of course she will be happy – Commander Ikari said everyone will be.

'And would you be happy if Shinji was not there…?'

The breath catches in my throat, and my hands involuntarily tighten around Hikari's wrists, drawing a tired mumble from her.

What a cruel concept.

What a fitting punishment.

Forcing my hands to uncurl slightly, I close my eyes and try to calm myself… but the damage is done – the vision is in my mind. How hard it would hit me if the Second – or, more poetically, Hikari – was forced to end Shinji's life? I cannot even contemplate it.

With brutal suddenness, my imagination provides me a small taste of what Hikari must feel. Scene after scene slips through my frantic mental defenses. Shinji screaming as Unit 01 is destroyed by an angel… Shinji being hit by a car…Shinji being stabbed by a mugger… Shinji having his neck broken in a fight with street thugs…

Scenario after scenario – each more preposterous than the last… and each as painful as a minute paper cut, sharp and intense at first, but lingering and dull as the tissue (or in this case, my psyche) refuses to heal.

Seizing frantically at stillness, I slam the mental door shut on these horrid images, closing my eyes and drawing deep even breaths, unconsciously synchronizing with Hikari's steady in/out rhythm. When next I open my eyes, the room is dark. I blink away sleep, trying to bring my senses to bear on my surroundings.

I receive no feedback from my right side, of course, but against the left side of my neck, I feel Hikari's breathing, assuring me that she is still here… though why it should be a concern, when she is most likely going to either weep and make me feel guilt or accuse me of killing Suzuhara, I do not know.

Glancing down, I notice something unusual.

Hikari is pinching my right hand; plucking small bunches of my skin and pulling it taut before letting it go. Over and over I watch this phenomenon, feeling deeply uneasy at the sight.

It could be anyone's arm. It could be anyone's hand.

The sense of dissociation is dispelled as Hikari leans up on the bed, moving her mouth next to my ear and whispering so quietly that her voice is more felt than heard.

"It doesn't hurt, right? Asuka told me you can't feel anything on this side."

"That is… correct…"

"But you can hear me… and see what I'm doing."

"Yes."

"…it's like that for me, now."

"I do not understand."

"My life. I see myself doing things… hear words coming out of my mouth… watch the answers to tests appear on the paper in front of me… but I don't feel any of it. It's like watching a movie, kind of: scenes from someone else's life – almost real enough to touch… almost."

"Hikari, I-"

"You didn't… hate him, did you?"

"…no."

"Would he have died anyway?"

"I… believe so."

"But you're not sure."

"No… I am not."

"You probably think I hate you now."

"…yes."

"I don't, Rei. I… I wanted to – GOD I wanted to. It would have been so easy if I could have just made it all your fault…"

"Mm…"

"Did he suffer…?"

"I do not think you should-"

"Please… please just tell me."

"N-no… it was… very fast."

"…thank you."

"Mm."

We fall into silence for several minutes. Then, without warning, Hikari pulls on my right shoulder, forcing me to roll over and face her before pulling me into a fierce embrace. She holds me tightly, burying her face in my shoulder as her body shakes all over, but in spite of my expectations, she does not begin to cry again.

Somehow, I believe, she does not have any tears left.

After a few moments, her grip relaxes and she pull back, staring deep into my eyes, a small, sad smile spreading over her features as she leans up and gently touches her lips to my forehead.

"Rei."

"Y-yes…?"

"I don't hate you."

"…mm."

"It might be hard to believe, but, no matter… no matter what happens, you'll always…"

"…yes?"

"You'll always be my friend."

"Th-thank you…"

She is crying again… silently this time.

I want to say something – or at the very least, to return her embrace and show her that I am grateful for her too-kind words… but as I reach for her, she slips out of my bed, shaking herself as if waking from a long, terrible dream and rising to her feet and putting her arms high over her head in an intense stretch.

Her arms fall to her sides, and she glances over her shoulder, her eyes clear and dazzlingly warm as she whispers her goodbye. I nod, too overcome to speak as she quietly walks out of my apartment.

How… can I be that strong? How could I ever offer forgiveness – let alone friendship – to the person that caused me so much pain that I cried for days? It is not possible. With sudden insight, I realize what a truly incredible person Hikari is. My friend… she is my friend, and she has forgiven me for the harm I have caused her.

Sitting up in bed, I find that I am smiling – not the forced, asked-for smile I have used before… but soft and honest. Catching sight of the chocolates scattered on my floor, the smile widens slightly.

Ikari… it must have been Ikari.

Getting to my feet, I turn on the lamp by my bed and begin carefully gathering the chocolates, placing them back in the box and setting it on my kitchen table as I try to decide how to approach him. Since it is a Saturday evening, I will not get to see him until Monday morning, so I do have some time to plan. I briefly consider asking Hikari's advice, but immediately discard the idea as thoughtless and cruel. Perhaps, I tell myself, after her pain has eased I will be able discuss it with her. If she is as strong as I have come to believe she is, she may even be happy for me.

With this thought in mind, I make my way into my small kitchenette and begin preparations for dinner, contemplating ways to thank Shinji for the chocolates and wondering if I should try one before eating my meal, or wait until after.

…it is not until I arrive at school on Monday that I find out Hikari has moved away.

To be concluded…

Author's notes: I can't think of anything I want noted here other than to say that the ORIGINALLY planned ending (AKA, the Deep Angst Version) is no longer possible, so anyone out there reaching for butcher knives (for your wrists or my throat) ease down… it won't be as bad as it was going to.

No pre-reader is being used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


	11. Part 11

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 11

"Hey – hey! Did you hear?"

"What, about Horaki? Is it true?"

"Yeah! She moved like, day before yesterday – practically in the middle of the night."

"How come?"

"I don't know. I heard it was her dad's idea, but Tsuande says it's because Hikari couldn't stand staying here after what happened to Suzuhara."

"Man, that's rough… she had it bad for him, huh?"

"Wow, did she! I was talking to her about it a couple weeks ago before – you know – and she said she was going to make him a bento and everything. She was just about to confess!"

"Aww! That's so sad!!"

"I know!"

"Wish she'd called me… I didn't even get to say goodbye."

The girls I am listening to move on to other topics of conversation, leaving me to ponder what they have said. It is all over the school, of course… Hikari was well-liked by all who knew her, and her presence will be greatly missed.

Goodbye.

Shinji once told me not to say goodbye when we left on missions, as it was too sad… but somehow, not hearing it from Hikari feels very painful.

Why did she not tell me when she was in my apartment? By all appearances, she moved that night, or possibly early the next day… did she know, then, that she would not see me again?

It is… uncomfortable to me to believe that this is her way of punishing me for what I have done, but somehow, it seems fitting. What better way to demonstrate her rage than to leave me – she who has no friends – without a word?

Thoughts of Hikari are pushed from my mind as Shinji enters the classroom. My resolve is harder than it has ever been… there will never be a better moment than this one. I must not waver, nor falter, nor buckle.

This is my last chance. If I do not speak now, I will not be able to again, I know this.

And as I open my mouth, I find that finally… I am able to say his name out loud.

"Hello, Shinji."

"Oh, umm… Ayanami… hi."

"Th-thank you… for the chocolates."

"Oh, yeah, er… you're… umm, you're welcome."

"They were… good."

"Just good?"

"I… very good…?"

"I was just kidding, Ayanami…"

"I see."

"S-sorry… I'm not really good at umm…"

"…living?"

"Y-yeah, exactly…"

"Mm."

"Ayan-"

"Rei."

"Huh??"

"Forgive me, I would… like you to call me Rei…"

"Really…?"

"Yes."

"Umm, ok, umm… Rei, then… I…"

"…yes?"

"I'm glad you liked the chocolates."

Shinji's shoulders slump forward almost as much as mine. Did I truly expect more than this, when I myself offer nothing in return?

It is like he said – I too, am unskilled at living.

I had hoped for so much more to come out of this conversation… but I do not know how to make it happen. All I can think about is Hikari leaving without a word.

What if Shinji leaves too? Can I content myself with knowing that I simply TRIED to make him understand that I care for him?

…can I make him understand now?

"You… apologized for something…?"

"Huh?"

"On your note… it said 'gomen.'"

"…yeah."

"I do not understand."

"Th-that was… I wrote that… I was just…"

"Hmm?"

"…for touching you. When you were in the hospital, I touched you without asking."

"I did not feel it."

"Well, yeah, I know – I touched you on the right, the doctor said you wouldn't feel anything on the right… but still, I didn't… it wasn't RIGHT. I felt… it was dirty."

"Dirty…?"

"You shouldn't touch someone if they don't want you to… it's… not right…"

"Mm…"

"Are you mad?"

What should I say? Of course I am not mad… and of course, I understand his point – but how can I tell him that I would not mind feeling his touch? Actually FEELING it this time. All the words that come to my mind strike me as perverted and inappropriate. How can you tell someone you want to be touched without it sounding sexual or lewd?

He is watching me anxiously, so I am forced to reply the only way I know how.

I shake my head.

The urge to take his hand and lead it to my face once more is strong, but it would give the wrong impression. I am trapped by my silence as Shinji murmurs something about being glad and starts to rise to his feet.

_Do not let him leave._

This thought goes over and over through my mind… but I do not know how to act on it. He gives me a small, painfully awkward smile, raising his hand in a wave so reminiscent of Hikari's that I find words coming out of my mouth before I can even think.

"…I would not mind."

"Huh?"

"If you did it again, sometime… I would… not mind…"

He looks confused.

I have lost the moment.

Slowly, his blinks and turns away. Somehow, the connection has not been made between what I have said and what we were talking about.

I almost repeat myself, but before I can speak, the acting class representative – Tsuande – rises and directs us to stand and bow. The opportunity to clarify my feelings does not come again, as Shinji is called out of class by a phone call from Major Katsuragi.

I find out later, at NERV, that the Second Child was hospitalized for malnourishment.

It seems that she stopped eating several days before Hikari left… and her body simply could not handle the strain any longer. I do not know if she will be able to pilot again, but Doctor Akagi and the bridge technicians seem remarkably tight-lipped about the subject, and I was ordered to participate in a synchronization readiness test, which I have not had to do since Unit 00's destruction.

Somehow, I feel that I am responsible for this, though I know this is not the case. Her eating habits have nothing to do with me, regardless of my relationship with Hikari.

…right?

This thought troubles me all the way home, causing me great unease as I consider the possibility that I have contributed to someone else's pain… even if it is someone that does not like me.

It is as I am reaching my apartment that this concept is driven entirely from my mind, and it is only an absentminded glance at my mail slot that brings my attention back to reality.

A letter, with only my name, has been taped over the mail slot, preventing anything else from being pushed inside, though knowing my current mail deliverer, he tried anyway. It is not something I would have noticed when leaving my apartment, of course, as I never look back to make sure my door is closed… and since I never check my mail under normal circumstances, I might not have noticed it before it was shoved into the slot along with the rest of my mail.

Carefully, I peel the envelope from the slot and carry it inside, absently removing my shoes as I carry it into the kitchen.

Who would take the time to write me?

The answer is instantly obvious… and it makes my heart beat faster in my chest.

Slowly, so as not to damage the contents, I pull the envelope open, feeling oddly short of breath as I shake out the single piece of paper and unfold it, hoping to see a lengthy explanation for why she left.

Instead, I find an odd stinging sensation filling my eyes as I regard the simple, lonely looking words on the letter.

_Goodbye, Rei._

Nothing more.

The pain in my eyes is now unbearable, my vision blurry as hot tears well up behind my eyelids. I am crying… for the first time in my life, I am crying. It is a confusing, terrifying sensation to be this out of control, but I cannot stem the tide. All that is left to me of my only friend is two words on a floral-printed piece of stationary. Two words and the lingering fragrance of whatever the paper is scented with… a smell now forever associated with her presence. …but she did not leave without saying goodbye. She said it by holding me, and she said it here, on this piece of paper.

She did not leave me without telling me… I simply did not know how to hear it when she said it the first time.

As carefully as I can, I set the note on my bedside table, then – thinking better of this location – I carry it into the kitchen and affix it to my fridge with one of the small magnets the Commander bought me when I first moved in.

What a counterpoint – the words of a friend now gone held in place by the gift of a man I now understand cares nothing for my personal wellbeing. All I am is a tool. Replaceable. Dependable. Unquestioning. Loyal.

No more.

Abruptly, I know what I must do. I must leave this place – leave and never return. It is my only recourse. Perhaps Shinji will go with me. Perhaps I will meet Hikari again, as I travel. …perhaps I will be able to escape before the Commander realizes what I have done.

Too many uncertainties. Too many questions with no answers.

And yet… I find myself slowly packing clothes into my school bag, methodically stowing all that I can within its tight confines.

What am I doing…?

Where will I go…?

I no longer care. I cannot lead this useless existence any longer – I simply cannot. Others do not feel as I do. Others do not exist for a sole purpose. …do they? Certainly, Hikari did not exist solely for one objective. She was free in a way I might not ever be able to duplicate.

But just once, I would like to try. Just once… I would like to be one of those meaningless flowers, existing with no purpose other than to BE. I will find Hikari – yes, that is where I will start. Together, with her, I will begin to learn what it is to live. No longer will I be bound to-

"Rei."

"…Commander."

I did not even hear him come in…

"Going somewhere…?"

"No sir…"

"Really now? I believe that is the first time you've lied to me, Rei."

"I am…"

"You are what, Rei?"

"Leaving, Commander…"

"Mm… how bold of you…"

"I cannot be your do-"

"…to believe that you would be permitted that choice."

"Please, sir. I am not happy here."

"You know that I cannot allow it, Rei… why would you even broach the subject with me? Happiness is subjective."

"There is… too much pain here, Commander… I cannot stay here any longer… forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive, since you will not be leaving."

"Commander, I-"

"Life is pain, First Child. It is unavoidable – unstoppable. The only freedom is Complementation."

"That is… your dream, Commander, I-"

"You are using the word 'I' too much, Rei. Do you truly believe yourself to be free?"

"…yes."

"How foolish. Regardless of your lofty ideals, I cannot permit you to upset the scenario – not at this late stage. Therefore… you are to remain in your apartment under Section Two supervision until such time as I require you… and should you try to escape, I will be forced to replace you."

"…I hate you."

The words surprise us both… and there is silence in my apartment, broken finally when the Commander regains his composure, pushing his glasses further onto the bridge of his nose as a look of infinite sadness passes briefly over his features.

"I suppose you must… but that is not – cannot be – my concern any longer. Takamura."

"Sir!"

"Remove any sharp objects from the First Child's possession. She is to remain here under 24 hour surveillance, without visitors, until she is called for. Understood?"

"Yes, sir!"

"I did not wish for it to be this way, Rei… truly I did not. Goodbye."

I open my mouth to tell him that I will find a way to be free… but I close it again, as I know he will not care. The Commander leaves without a backward glance as the Section Two officer goes through my apartment and removes anything with which I could harm myself.

Does the Commander honestly believe that I would take my own life, after only knowing the joy of truly living for several days' time?

How… shortsighted of him.

Taking a deep breath, I sit on my bed and wait for the Section Two officer to leave. Containing my rage has become surprisingly difficult, but I manage it somehow, seeking stillness for what I know must be the last time. That refuge has lost its power… for better or for worse, and I am now – willingly – unarmored against the world without.

There is so much for me to be angry about, I realize belatedly. From my own unwillingness to see and interact with those around me, to the Commander's flawed, yet somehow understandable desire to keep me where he might one day be able to use me. It is myself I despise most, but now, at my darkest hour, I understand that it is alright for me to be upset at how I have been told to live up to this point. I have come too far. I have changed too much. I cannot ever… go back to the way I was.

Yes, I am a tool. Yes, I am a pilot. Yes, the destinies of all mankind ride on my shoulders.

…and yet, am I not human as well? Do I not deserve happiness as well?

Useless ruminations. My decision is made. I am tired now.

Slowly, I rise to my feet, the last shred of emotionlessness burning away from my mind as I gaze down at Hikari's letter, now resting listlessly and half-torn on the floor, a large shoe print covering my name in dirt and grim. Brushing it off as best I can, I take it back to bed, laying it on my stomach and closing my eyes as I prepare to sleep.

I will find you, Hikari, someday, somehow. You, Shinji, and I…

I no longer even know what I am thinking. What will we do, when I free myself of this tight cage and carry them with me into the light of the world outside?

Anything we want, I suppose. What a terrifying, wonderful idea – to be free with those I love. To be free at all is more than I have ever truly had, I understand that now… but freedom with those I care for?

If thinking about it alone can make me feel this way, I cannot even imagine the joy I will experience when this idea becomes reality.

Closing my eyes, I fall quickly to sleep, smiling faintly as I hold Hikari's final letter tight to my chest. Wait for me Hikari… wait for me Shinji… I will come for you. Someday, somehow.

…I will come for you.

The End

Alternate Ending 1

(This was the first planned ending. The setting is right after the 14th angel, and clearly, things did not quite head this direction. It was also going to be a little longer, but this gets the feeling across, I think)

"He is gone, Rei."

"I… do not understand."

"The Third Child… is unrecoverable. It seems that his ego border was breached during the fight with the angel, and his essence was taken into Unit 01."

"I do not believe you."

"Your belief is really rather immaterial in this case, First Child… the facts remain the same regardless of your willingness to accept them."

"…did he suffer?"

"I do not know, Rei… possibly – briefly, if at all. What does it matter?"

"It matters…"

"I don't like your interest in this, Rei… I believe it would be best if you were to spend some time thinking about your current situation. Section Two agents will be posted outside of your apartment, should you have any immediate needs. If not, you are to consider yourself under house arrest."

"Understood, Commander."

"Excellent… that's the attitude I expect from you."

"Yes."

"Believe me, Rei… in a week, two at the outside, this will all be a faint memory. The human capacity to endure pain is limitless… believe me."

"Yes sir."

"Mm. Goodbye, Rei."

I nod as the Commander leaves me alone… truly alone. Shinji… Shinji is gone – unrecoverable – and the Commander speaks of it as if it is no more important than the temperature outside.

Glancing around my apartment, I find it somehow smaller… and dimmer.

Shinji is gone.

I sigh. Perhaps this was inevitable, I do not know. The task we all undertake as pilots is life-threatening, but somehow, I always felt that it would be me that perished in the fight against the angels. I am replaceable.

Shinji is not.

Slowly, I rise to my feet, wandering through my apartment as I consider what I will do now. As if it was never in doubt, I find myself in my kitchen. Dull steel glitters in the overhead light, bright, by comparison, against the pale, fragile skin of my wrist. All I need is one, clean movement, and I will be free.

Closing my eyes, I envision Hikari and Shinji's faces – my friend… and the only one I have ever loved.

Let them guide my hand.

With a hiss of indrawn breath and a sharp tug, the knife sings through the air, clattering uselessly against the wall and falling to the floor as I imagine blood exploding from my wrist.

When I open my eyes, of course, I am unharmed, with only a dull scrape where a deep gouge should be.

…I am weak. The one I love has been taken from me, and I am too weak even to end my own life – barely even scratching myself when I had fully intended to cut down to the bone.

I am alone now – my friend has left, Shinji has been taken from me… even the Commander finds me so untrustworthy that he has locked me in my apartment, his words hinting that I will not see the outside until I am needed for Complementation.

Sinking to the floor, I bury my head in my hands and wait for the tears to come.

They never do.

Truly alone… waiting only to be used… I cannot even cry for what I have lost.

How ironic.

I have given up everything that matters to me, and instead of tears to relieve the awful, inescapable pain inside of me, all that is left to me…

…is stillness.

-End

Alternate Ending 2

(this was the first thing that came to my mind after writing the current ending… can you guess why I pulled it?)

I close my eyes and fall quickly asleep, smiling faintly as I anticipate what the future may hold.

…I do not even hear the door open in the middle of the night, or the footsteps quietly crossing my floor. The cock of the gun's hammer being drawn back does not disturb my sleep, and presumably… I am still smiling as the barrel is placed to my temple, and the trigger is pulled.

-End

Author's Notes: you know, I don't know what to say now. Hopefully, the final ending was a little more palatable than the original or the two alternate endings, but if not – well, what can ya do? I liked it. If you didn't, I guess I'll take this space to apologize, or something, though in all reality this was the only logical way it could have gone. Rei has changed too much over the course of this arc to be content sitting around waiting to be used. Yes, I may have played her a little more emotionally than some people are comfortable with, but again, I think it's logical considering all that she has done and thought about. And anyone out there that thinks Gendou would just let her go, or not know that she's planning SOMETHING after all of her unusual behavior, let me just say 'pah-ha' to you.

Eh, anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little story.

Thanks for reading.

No pre-reader was used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


	12. Part 8, version 1 original ending

Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 8

My plug suit pressurizes with a soft hiss, pulling close against my body. Normally, I would stand and go immediately to the EVA cages… but today my thoughts are in turmoil, so I simply sit and stare straight ahead, my forefinger still resting on the pressurization switch at the plug suit's wrist.

The Second has already left, brushing past me without so much as a second look and muttering that she would rather change in the women's bathroom than breathe the same air as me, so I am alone.

Always alone.

The basis of my rage suddenly becomes clear and sharp as I think of that one, single word. I hate being alone. I should not be alone. I do not deserve to be alone.

Have I always felt this way? I do not even know. I am so used to blocking my feelings that I cannot even remember stopping to think about my living conditions, or the fact that I am the only 14 year old I know that lives by herself. Suppression is no longer effective. I'm scared now – scared that I want more. I don't WANT to feel that I do not have enough. I've never felt this way before. I don't like it.

Gathering up every bit of my control, I will myself NOT to care.

Slowly rising to my feet, I nod. It seems to have worked. The stillness that has served me for so long is still within reach. I do not have to feel any way I do not wish to feel – I am the one in control – that is what the Commander taught me. He said, 'You, above everyone on this planet, must learn control. You are the one carrying the burden, Rei. All of mankind is relying on you, and the bond you share with EVA stretches to each and every living soul. Do not let them down, Rei… do not let me down.'

I will not, Commander… I just wish-

No. No I will not allow myself to think these thoughts anymore. Ikari is not for me. Attraction is not for me. Companionship is not for me. Uncertainty is not for me.

There must only be my will, my destination, and my purpose. I must let nothing else matter to me.

Confident that I am safe within my shell of detachment once more, I make my way to the locker room door… and with the push of a button, everything I have built comes crashing right back down.

"Ayanami, er…"

"I-Ikari. Why are you… here…?"

"I, umm…"

"…yes?"

"G-ganbatte, Ayanami…"

He leaves before I can reply… not that I would have known how, had I been given the opportunity. How? How is it that I was entirely isolated less than thirty seconds ago, and after a mere two words, I am prepared to chase Ikari down the hall and beg him to spend time with me?

Taking a calming breath, I follow him to the EVA cages, finding all three Units already being moved into position for launch. For this mission, we will be dispersed through the valley outside of Tokyo-3 under full combat preparedness. Our target is unknown at this time, so we have been given directions to observe and await orders before engaging.

It is all I can do to acknowledge Miss Ibuki's sketched description of what to expect before I am marching reluctantly towards Unit 00's entry plug to await insertion. I steal a glance at Ikari, and to my surprise, he does not avert his gaze. Instead, he raises his hand in a timid wave, then hurries into his plug, not allowing me a chance to wave back.

"Rei… you're blushing. Are you and Shinji, umm… did you guys get together…?"

"N-no, Miss Ibuki, we did not."

"Are you GOING to?"

"I… do not know."

"Well, if you need any help, let me know. I think you guys would make a great couple."

"I see."

"Heh… I like you, Rei… you're kind of hard to talk to, but I still like you. Oh, sorry, that was a little forward of me wasn't it? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I just, well, oh forget it, we can talk about it later if you want– you should get into the plug before the Commander gets upset."

"…yes."

More confusion.

I climb into the plug, trying to relax into the pilot's seat as Miss Ibuki's words echo in my ear. Since when am I so appealing to others?

If she likes me so much, why hasn't she ever made an attempt to get to know me, as Hikari has? I know that much of the reason I am friendless is personal choice and my lack of ability and desire to make the effort to respond to people, but for some reason I find Miss Ibuki's comment upsetting. She knows me even better than Hikari, and has for much longer… so if she wanted to befriend me, what has been stopping her?

Perhaps… because she knows I like Ikari? Is it THAT important that I like him that people are more willing to express themselves to me? Or is it because I like anyone at all? Or does Miss Ibuki-

I signal my readiness to launch, bracing myself as Unit 00 is catapulted to the surface and doing my best to shake off these troubling, increasingly irrational thoughts.

We have been given different destinations. The Second takes point. Ikari brings up the rear. I am assigned the middle, stationed several miles between the two. I understand the strategy of preparing for combat in three locations, but for some reason I find that I would rather be near Ikari.

Dismissing the notion as a fabrication of my scattered thoughts, I await my next order, listening to the chatter on the tac-net.

"What? An explosion at Matsushiro? Is Misato ok?"

Ikari's voice, I decide, half-listening to the remainder of the conversation, is very feminine. He could easily be mistaken for a woman, if the person speaking to him did not know he was a boy. It is not UNpleasant, I find, and when I close my eyes, I can envision the way his lips move.

With a start, I realize that this is a little too stimulating, and I force myself to think of something else, shifting in my seat as if I was just caught staring at Ikari through a hole in the men's shower room wall.

Not that I would mind that, necess- no… no I will not think like this.

After several minutes of warring with my suddenly lewd thoughts, our target is brought onscreen, thankfully giving me something else to focus on.

Ikari gasps.

Somehow, though, I am unsurprised – as if I knew Evangelion Unit 03 would be taken. I am often hit with feelings of insight, usually regarding the angels, so I am not taken aback by my foreknowledge, but the fact that the status of the pilot is undeclared concerns me. He is Ikari's friend… and Hikari's intended.

How can I fight, with that information?

"You mean you still don't know who the pilot is??"

The Second's voice is cut off before she can tell Ikari the identity of the Fourth, and a moment later, the confirmation of Unit 02's status is broadcast over the Tac-net. The Commander tells me to prepare myself, instructing me to conceal myself behind a close by mountain.

Bringing my pallet rifle up, I wait for Unit 03 – now designated the thirteenth angel – to come into range. My thoughts churn and roll, but I suppress them.

This is not the time for doubt. This is not the time to be concerned for the feelings of a fellow pilot. This is not the time for fledgling emotions to override combat training and duty. The target staggers into view. I press myself tightly against my cover, watching through Unit 00's monitors as it walks past my location, seemingly unaware of my presence.

There will never be a better time.

Slowly, I bring my rifle around, locking onto the nape of the possessed Unit's neck. The entry plug is visible beneath a thick layer of some kind of organic webbing, and I know just from looking that it is not a dummy plug. The ejection was unsuccessful.

My targeting system confirms a ninety-five percent target lock. All I have to do is squeeze the trigger and the angel will die.

"But the pilot is…"

I hesitate.

It is a mistake.

The angel is on me before I can respond, executing an entirely graceless backward leap to come crashing down on Unit 00, bringing it to the ground as effortlessly as a child swatting a gnat. Almost immediately, I feel something… worming its way into my arm – Unit 00's arm – and I do not need Miss Ibuki's announcement to know that I have been compromised.

Pain is something I have grown used to in my life, but I cannot help crying out as Commander Ikari gives the order to sever Unit 00's arm, sending a mental relay of the sensation directly into my mind.

I clutch the imagined wound, trying my best not to whimper as my brain informs me that I am missing a limb. Through pain-hazed eyes I see the angel staring down at me, clearly trying to decide if I am worth killing. I can almost feel its confusion as it gazes at me.

What kind of enemy would mutilate one of its own soldiers? The question is in its eyes, and somehow, in my mind… but that must be my imagination, mustn't it? How could I know the thoughts of an angel?

"Unit 00 is down, Commander, it is unable to continue fighting."

"Time to Unit 01's location is less than five minutes, sir."

Failed. Once again I have failed. The angel is moving away, uncaring and unfeeling about the damage it is inflicting to the houses all around us. It is powerful, relentless, inhuman, and bent on the singular goal of destroying everything in its path. And now it is on its way towards headquarters, with only Ikari standing in its way. He will be hurt – possibly killed… because I was not able to fight properly.

Unacceptable.

"Commander! Unit 00 is trying to get up!"

"Rei, what are you doing? Stand down – now."

"No response sir, her communications system is set to receive only."

"Rei, what are you hoping to accomplish?"

"Still not replying sir. She's moving to engage. …can she beat it, Commander?"

"Hmph. Unit 00 is two generations behind Unit 03, and it's missing a limb. She doesn't have a chance."

The pain in my arm is almost unbearable, but it is nothing in comparison to the clenching of my heart and stomach. So much of me wants to lie down and ignore the angel entirely, but to do that would be to allow it to proceed uncheck to the place Ikari is defending, and I know… I know that he will not be able to harm the pilot, when all is said and done.

What, then, are my choices?

I force Unit 00 to its feet and engage its progressive knife, but before I can draw it, the angel is on me, whipping back around to face me and charging my position with an unearthly cry of rage. I sidestep, dodging its first attack. It presses… I backpedal.

Stopping the angel is all that matters. I must not allow it to pass me, because-

**_I am in love with Ikari._**

Understanding hits harder than the angel's fists, making my heart momentarily stop. The world grays around me, and I barely avoid the angel's questing hands as I try to deny this simple notion. Why else would he be in my thoughts every day? Why else would his smile affect me so? Why else would I disobey orders to keep him from facing the pain of having to harm another human?

It seems that there is no other conclusion.

I am in love.

"The angel is outflanking Unit 00, Commander… she can't keep up. MAGI predict ninety percent probability that it will pin her between itself and the mountainside within two minutes."

"Commander – she's got her prog knife out. I think she-"

"She does not have a chance, Lieutenant… don't give her false hope. Rei, retreat at once – I am sending Unit 01 to your location to deal with the angel."

"Still no reply, sir."

"Mm…"

It hurts. Ikari… it hurts.

Love is supposed to be blissful, isn't it? Yet I feel as if I cannot get enough breath, and there is something gripping my heart so tightly that I am amazed it is able to beat. I want to see you. I want to talk to you. I want to have your arms around me. I want to hear your voice telling me that you feel for me what I feel for you.

Ikari… am I asking too much…?

"Unit 00 just lost its prog knife, Commander… the angel has her."

"Prepare to blow the other limbs and force-eject the pilot. Losing a second Unit to this angel is not an option, Lieutenant."

"Sir?"

"What is it?"

"Unit 00's back is to the mountain – if we eject her, she'll be k-"

"Irrelevant. If the angel tries to seize Unit 00, detonate any limbs necessary, Lieutenant."

"Yes, sir… I understand."

Yes… I am irrelevant. Yes, I am quiet. Yes, I am inexperienced at dealing with others.

But I will not allow Ikari to come to harm. Not so long as I have the power to stop it. I feel the angel's essence penetrating Unit 00's leg… and I see how I can beat it. There is only one option for me – one way to show that what I feel is more than simple infatuation.

God, forgive me.

Hikari, Forgive me.

Shinji… you, above all the others… forgive me for what I am going to do.

"Oh God – Commander! Unit 00-"

"Did you SEE THAT?!"

"Impressive."

The angel howls – more with anger than pain, I am sure – as I tear its shoulder compartment open and draw its progressive knife, bringing it down on the angel's right hand with all the force I can muster, pinning it to the mountainside. With one of its arms immobilized, we are more evenly matched, but I know that I am still outclassed in weight and power, so before it can pull the knife free I drop into a crouch and plant Unit 00's shoulder fin against the angel's stomach, triggering the close-assault weapons system.

The range is pointblank. I cannot miss.

"…forgive me."

Unit 03 shudders as the fifteen foot spikes enter its body, traversing the distance from its abdomen to its shoulders in less than a second and shooting a geyser of blood into the sky.

It is done.

"L-life signs from… from Unit 03's entry plug just zeroed, sir…"

"And the angel?"

"Incapacitated – but not destroyed. MAGI predict one point five minutes until it takes control of-"

"Sir! Unit 00's self-destruct system just went online!"

"…of course it did."

The burning pain in my leg intensifies as the angel tries desperately to take control before Unit 00 can self-destruct… but I know it will not succeed. Peripherally, I am aware of the fact that I am going to die, but it seems so irrelevant now.

For a moment, I held all that was precious between my fingers. I understood that love is not about how good you feel, it is about what you are willing to do to save the one care most for – to save THEM from feeling pain.

And now I must pay for what I have done. I accept the repercussions of what I have done to Suzuhara, and though there was no alternative, I know that there is no way Hikari will be able to understand why it had to be when she finds out what happened. Suzuhara would not have survived the battle under any circumstance… but that is not how Hikari will see it. All she will be able to see is the fact that I was the one who took him from her.

I lean back in my seat and close my eyes. Ikari? Will you blame me? I only did it to save you. My life is worthless – hollow… but in knowing you, I was able to at least get close to some semblance of normalcy. I broke free of my cocoon – if only for a moment – and spread wings I was not even aware I possessed… because of you.

To have lived – to have TRULY lived…

I count myself lucky.

"Can she be ejected?"

"Negative, sir, her back is still to the mountain. The angel fell against her, and she doesn't have the power or the leverage to move it."

"Fifteen seconds, Commander – her core is collapsing… it's past critical."

"Rei!"

I shoot forward in my seat. Ikari? I had forgotten that he was listening to the fight. I have to open a channel – I cannot die until I have told him that I-

Heat.

Unbearably bright, white light.

Ikari's smile.

Burning… fading into comfortable warmth.

Stillness.

Darkness.

Voices.

"Is it done?"

"Yes, sir… we've got her."

"Excellent. Memories are current to the last session?"

"Yes, but in examining the remains of the… other one, we found high traces of adrenaline. It was scared, sir, scared of dying. It seems that the abnormality we detected at the initial release was actually a hormonal imbalance."

"Mm. Well it is an imperfect science, I suppose. Do you anticipate the same problem with this unit?"

"No, sir, it seems within normal parameters."

"And the Third?"

"He still doesn't know who the pilot was. It seems that the Major felt it would be in everyone's best interest to keep it from him as long as possible."

"Sound judgment."

"…I'm fine, thank you for asking."

"Don't be petulant."

"Screw you! I have every right to-"

"Get a hold of yourself, Doctor. You got a little bump on the head, don't go trawling for sympathy from me – there were lives lost. Count yourself lucky yours was not one of them, and move on!"

"Yes sir…"

"Excellent. Drain LCL and proceed with release."

Darkness again.

Soft fabric under my back.

Slowly, I open my eyes and rise to a sitting position. Where am I? Hospital? Yes… but why?

"Rei."

"Oh, Commander… I did not see you."

"Mm."

"Why am I in this place?"

"There was an angel."

"I see."

"You destroyed it."

"Did I?"

"Indeed."

"Mm."

"Well done."

"Thank you, sir."

"Unit 00 was lost."

"I see."

"You are to consider yourself a backup pilot until another Unit is completed."

"Understood."

He seems on the verge of asking me something, but ultimately he simply rises to his feet and leaves the room, giving me the opportunity to take in my surroundings. Another hospital room… the same as all the rest. Nothing outstanding. Nothing unusual. Nothing out of place.

Odd… the same description could be used for me.

There is a knock at my door.

"Umm… Rei?"

"Hello, Ikari."

He seems confused – as if he expected another response… though I cannot understand why he would.

"Did umm… did you still want to talk?"

"About?"

"Er, I… n-never mind…"

"Goodbye."

"B-bye."

He leaves quickly, casting a confused, slightly hurt look my way. I do not understand. What have I done to offend him? I was not discourteous, or impolite. I did not go out of my way to insult him, as the Second does… why should he be upset by my behavior? This is how I have always been.

I close my eyes as the vaguest memory of a smile flits through my memory. Did… Ikari smile at me in the classroom? When would that have been?

Shaking my head, I focus on my body, moving each of my fingers, then my arms, legs, and neck, ensuring that there is no residual damage from my battle with the angel. Nodding to myself, I turn my attention inward, allowing my feelings free for a moment to gauge how emotional I am.

Everything is in order.

There is no pain. There is no uncertainty. There is no rage.

There is only stillness.

How fortunate… am I.

Something hits the back of my hand. I blink, raising it to eye level and staring at the drop of moisture beading on my skin.

"Is this… a tear…?"

Slowly, I raise my other hand, touching my cheek and finding a long trail of dampness running from my eye all the way to my chin.

I am crying.

I have never cried before.

Why am I crying?

The angel was defeated, was it not? Unit 00 was lost, but the Commander did not seem upset. Unit 01 is intact, the Lance of Longinus is still in Terminal Dogma, there was only one casualty during the battle, and the scenario is still proceeding on schedule. I have no reason to be unhappy.

Why then, do I feel as if there is something I have forgotten?

I feel as if something is brushing at my memory, like the wings of a moth battering uselessly at a light bulb, but nothing is coming to the fore. Did I… lose something?

Leaning back in my bed, I carefully wipe the tears from my face. There is no use trying to think about it now. It is most likely a side effect of the battle, anyway. I close my eyes, pushing away the idea that there is something missing and drowning all extraneous thoughts in a sea of black emotionlessness until all that's left…

…is stillness.

The End

Author's notes: I said it was angst. But you know something? This ending actually hurt me to write. Really. So many people wanted it to be romance… and I really did too, but as the old saying goes: the story writes itself. I tried to force it to go that way, and even considered several ideas for a second story, but everything I tried seemed flat and forced – like trying to make a romantic sequel for Schindler's List… it just don't fit. I hope you liked the story anyway, as I think it came out pretty decently.

Thank you for reading.

No pre-reader was used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.


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